tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79410484102594461002024-03-05T00:34:50.147-08:00Searching for the truthconfusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-43118545088909931962012-06-24T07:21:00.000-07:002012-06-24T07:21:12.525-07:00Catherine and DavidCatherine had known David was sexist when she met him. Yet, for some reason, she found herself strangely attracted to him. Things had only gotten worse after they were married. <br />
<br />
He had all of these rules that he expected her to follow. Like tonight. She had awoken, needing to use the bathroom. Despite the facts that the alarm clock read 4 am, she could hear him on a conference call in the office. She was expected to go straight back to bed after she had finished her business, but he could stay up all hours of the night working. She hardly found it fair. <br />
<br />
On the way back to bed, Catherine grabbed her iphone off of the dresser and took it with her despite knowing the firm rule of no cell phones in bed. If he could take care of business matters well into the night, why couldn't she? She would just reply to a few emails her oversea counterparts had sent and then she would go back to sleep. <br />
<br />
She had just hit send on her fourth email when she found the phone being plucked from her hands. She closed her eyes in dismay before she even heard him growl out, "Catherine."<br />
<br />
"Yes?" She said meekly, not yet brave enough to roll over and face him. <br />
<br />
"What is the rule about the phones?"<br />
<br />
"They don't come to bed with us." <br />
<br />
"Let's take care of this now so you can go back to sleep with a clear conscious."<br />
<br />
She didn't want to take care of this. She wanted to finish replying to all the other emails sitting in her inbox, but she didn't argue. It would be pointless to argue. It clear that he had already made up his mind. <br />
<br />
"Yes, David." She got out of bed and was relieved when his phone rang. The relief was short lived as she was instructed to go wait for him in the office. <br />
<br />
She pouted the whole way to the office and had to remind herself not to stomp her feet the whole way there. It was a stupid rule. She was a grown woman. A business woman who had work to do. She didn't need someone telling her when she could and couldn't work. <br />
<img alt="" class="rg_hi uh_hi" data-height="194" data-width="259" height="194" id="rg_hi" sb_id="ms__id2142" src="https://encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTanVaOvh0qdRq--z15k2lthgq3nR9xFUV85SIsJXTEwYL4Pm3o" style="height: 194px; width: 259px;" width="259" /><br />
<br />
<br />
His words from over a year ago echoed in her ears as she drew the night gown up over her head. "The bedroom is for pleasure. The office is for taking care of business. All punishments will be dealt with here."<br />
<br />
She threw the nightgown down on the floor. The whole business she wanted to be taking care of this evening was her emails. She looked at the nightgown and quickly picked it up. She folded it and set it on the corner of the desk. She didn't want him to see it on the floor and think she had been throwing a tantrum.<br />
<br />
She took a deep breath and stuck her thumbs in the waistband of her panties. She slid them down her legs and stepped out of them. She folded them and set them on top of her nightgown. <br />
<br />
She marched over to the corner in front of David's desk and stood facing it. She pouted the whole time she was standing there. She hated the corner. She hated that she was in the office naked. She hated that she was being told she couldn't work when she wanted to. She hated that he was taking his sweet time.<br />
<br />
She heard the office door open, and she sombered up. The pouting had stopped instantaneously as dread filled the pit of her stomach. She heard him moving the chair out of one of the corners behind her. She dare not turn around. Maybe if she said she was sorry. Maybe if she begged and pleaded. <br />
<br />
"Come here, Catherine." His voice was so quiet. So calm. She didn't want to go, but she found her feet moving on their own accord. Too afraid to disobey further this evening. She found that she couldn't meet his eyes. <br />
<br />
He didn't lecture or ask her any questions. Instead, he tugged on her wrist, and she found herself falling over his lap. He took a few minutes to adjust her before she felt his hand lightly tap her rear. <br />
<br />
A warm-up. Thank God, he was giving her a warm up. He must not be too mad if she was getting a warm-up. The smacks of his hand were gradually getting harder. <br />
<br />
"I am pleased that you followed my instructions about the office so well this evening. I am not pleased that you disregarded my instructions about the phone in bed or that you have been pouting since you were caught." Two hard slaps followed to emphasis his point. He stopped for a minute and rubbed for a minute, enjoying the delicate pink shade Catherine's cheeks had become. <br />
<br />
"Ow" Catherine said when the brush made contact. She hadn't been expecting the brush. She hadn't seen it when she came in or with David. "David, I am sorry."<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5j79mShp2vXIjwPt2R-zqHIeVonNQ-swGDm_DsXRH6Jrxizas-jeCeVKc21fQZCs92ZRavxQGJilugXwhxbCO4vdNb7Z3jtHS6SVAqFJ1Ii3Z2NLHgNJBSJmhvnRHNId00Y4qU1PsG4s/s1600/PaulMitchell.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" closure_uid_wvy6yx="3" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5702724286677735522" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5j79mShp2vXIjwPt2R-zqHIeVonNQ-swGDm_DsXRH6Jrxizas-jeCeVKc21fQZCs92ZRavxQGJilugXwhxbCO4vdNb7Z3jtHS6SVAqFJ1Ii3Z2NLHgNJBSJmhvnRHNId00Y4qU1PsG4s/s200/PaulMitchell.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; height: 185px; width: 200px;" /></a><br />
<br />
"I am sure you are, and I am sure you will remember to follow this rule from now on." David's voice carried not an ounce of sympathy or remorse.<br />
<br />
It wasn't long before Catherine was kicking her feet and sobbing. David continued silently until she stopped kicking and the sobbing was barely audible. <br />
<br />
"Catherine, why do we have the rule about the phones?" He dropped the brush and began rubbing her back.<br />
<br />
"They're too much of a distraction while we are trying to sleep."<br />
<br />
"I don't want to see the phone in bed again. Am I understood?"<br />
<br />
"Yes." The hard spank made her jump.<br />
<br />
"Yes, what?"<br />
<br />
"Yes, sir."<br />
<br />
"Good. Let's get you to bed."<br />
<br />
It was a silent affair as David walked Catherine back to bed. The hallways was very chilly, especially against her red hot bottom. She wish David would have let her redress. <br />
<br />
They made it to the bedroom, and he tucked her in with the promise to follow shortly after he made one more call. She fell asleep shortly and didn't even notice when he climbed into bed. <br />
<br />confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-74117693483875406832012-06-23T05:35:00.000-07:002012-06-23T05:35:47.744-07:00AddictionYesterday, one of the girls I work with was discussing diabetes with me, and she made the comment that food addictions are real and can be just as bad as drug addictions. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/addiction?s=t" target="_blank">Addiction-</a>the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. <br />
<br />
<br />
One of the things that G and I discussed at length when we first met was my food addiction. I am not in denial. I know I have one. Thankfully, I've never gotten up to 600 pounds, but the addiction is there all the same. I eat when I am bored, when I am sad, when I am happy, and when I am stressed. I suppose part of it could be blamed on culture with the way we eat at every occasion and commericals are constantly being shoved at us to eat more. Have you had your fourth meal lately? <br />
<br />
It's one of the things that we've been working on. Last week was the first time that I've been in trouble for stress eating in a while. Trust me, it didn't go over well. <br />
<br />
One of G's few rules is no emotional eating, especially not stress eating. Until we started the whole house buying process, I was doing really good with losing weight and making good food choices. With the one exception, I haven't been stress eating. I sit at my desk and go through the whole am I hungry or am I bored or stressed thought process. <br />
<br />
Normally, if it was hungry, I would rationalize that I'll be having dinner in a few hours when I get home. This week it has been more of I am hungry I am just going to have one pack of cookies. <br />
<br />
They are starting a biggest loser challenge at my work. I am not participating in it because I have no competitive spirit. Trust me, if I was on the tv show, I'd be eating whatever I could find at the end of the day just to deal with the stress of people yelling at me. I've only ever seen the commericals so I all I know about the show is people yell at overweight people who they are making exercise. <br />
<br />
So Thursday I come up with the detailed list of goals that I am going to try to accomplish before Jan 5th on weight loss. In case, I didn't mention it earlier, G and I made a deal that if I could lose 4 pounds in the month of June that I could have a free eating weekend with no consequences as long as I didn't gain more than 1/2 a pound. <br />
<br />
This morning's weigh in proved that I am nowhere near where I need to be in order to meet the deal or the list of goals. I gained nearly a pound from last week, which puts me at needing to lose 3 pounds for next week in order to meet the deal. If I really work at it, I could pull off 2. I can't pull off 3. Needless to say, G was more than thrilled with the news of the gain, and I am sitting on a sore bottom. <br />
<br />
So while I am going through this week of telling the cookies I don't need them, please feel free to say lots of prayers and have some milk and cookies for me.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-62195041662388383572012-06-19T19:16:00.001-07:002012-06-19T19:17:02.496-07:00A photo is worth a thousand words or a creepy evening?For the past couple of days, I've been trying to figure out what I wanted my next blog post to be about. At times, I was concerned about writing something thought provoking. Other times, I thought that I would just write about what is going on in my daily life and keep everyone updated. <br />
<br />
Today, the post finally came to me. No, it's not that Arby's needs to add more pickles to their Arby Q's or trying to buy a house is stressful. While both statements are true, they are not the topic of today's post.<br />
<br />
I have always been rather hesitant to give out my photo or to get on my webcam. Not because I am insecure, but I have found people to be rather annoying with both. You give an inch, and they want a mile. I tell people that I only have one and share. Instead of that being the end of it, they keep asking for more photos. <br />
<br />
If I decide to use my webcam, I get either people who claim the camera isn't good or I get perverts. I know that we all deal with perverts in this lifestyle. What makes it terribly difficult for me is it is usually people that I have been chatting with for a while who feel the need to demand I strip naked or do lude acts on the webcam as if though they have some sort of claim to me. My block list is constantly growing, and I choose not to keep my webcam hooked up. <br />
<br />
I've never given really any thought to what people do with my picture after I share with them. I imagine that most people never give it another thought after the photosharing is closed out. Today, I found out how incredibly wrong I was. <br />
<br />
Not only did someone not only give it another thought, but they printed it out. To make matters worse, I found out that they were masterbating to it. No, I didn't ask about it. I am not that self-centered to assume that anyone would find me attractive enough to do such a thing. <br />
<br />
The person came out and admitted as much to me. Not only did they go so far as to admit to me as to what they were doing, but they sent me a message, trying to instruct me to instruct them on how to do so. I hoping you think highly enough of me by now to know that I didn't respond to it. <br />
<br />
It did, however, get me to thinking. What are other people doing when I agree to share my photo? It sort of has me on edge now, and I've decided to not chat so much online and hold off on sharing photos in general. <br />
<br />
What do you do to keep yourself safe online or at least feel safe? How comfortable are you with sharing your photo online?confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-91686021787348661052012-06-04T04:37:00.003-07:002012-06-04T04:37:46.685-07:00Battle of the BulgeGood morning, <br />
<br />
I know no one actually reads this blog anymore as I never take the time to update it. I have always been a procrastinator. So even more stuff has happened since my last posting. <br />
<br />
I graduated college. <br />
I moved back in with the folks. <br />
I ran an ice cream truck. Not just one of those modern van ones you see now days either, but an old 1960s Good humor ice cream truck. <br />
I gained back 20 lbs of the 40 that I had lost.<br />
After months and months of job searching, I got a job.<br />
I've lost 7 of it since starting the new job.<br />
I am buying a house. <br />
<br />
There's lots of things that I could post on, but I think the one I'll focus on this morning is the weight loss issue. I've struggled with my weight for a long, long time. <br />
<br />
When I was dating the boyfriend, mom decided to get us the Stax system for us to use together. She lasted two weeks on hers,but I really put an effort into using mine. The boyfriend and I actually got in the a little spat about it. He claimed that I didn't need to lose any weight. I am 5'7" and at the time weighed 275 lbs. <br />
<br />
Well, I worked at it and got down to 250 before I went to work a summer job at a camp, meaning that I had to eat camp food with the kids. I packed on 13 lbs. I was not happy about it. I guess this would be a good time to bring up G who always tries to keep me on track even when I am "kicking and screamnig" that I don't care about losing weight anymore. <br />
<br />
G wasn't exactly happy that I was taking the job to begin with, but he was even less than thrilled when I gained 13 lbs from it and all of our hard work went down the drain. So when I got back from camp we went straight back to working on the weight loss. Leaving camp meant no more line writing for me. Line writing is one of those things that G uses when other punishments just aren't available. They bring out my wonderful adult attitude when I justify why we shouldn't do them with "they're stupid, borning, there isn't anything to learn from them and they make my hand hurt." That excuse gets me right out of them. Riiiiiiiight. <br />
<br />
I ended up changing schools that fall, and we went right back to work on losing weight. I didn't continue on the stax system, but I was still seeing results. I lost the 13 plus an additional 12. Then I gained 10 back over the holidays, and we had to work on that. But by the time graduation rolled around, I was down to 234 from my original 275. <br />
<br />
I moved back home and managed to keep the weight off for a while, but by the time month 6 rolled around with the holidays I was back to gaining weight. I managed to gain 20 lbs of it back. G blew a gasket when I got up to 255. He put his foot down hard, and the weight loss started again. <br />
<br />
It's been very slow going since I am so very stubborn. I am a stress eater. When I get stressed out, I tend to turn to food. It's a crutch that we've been working on getting rid of. I try not to do it so much anymore because it usually results in 2 punishments: a hard session for stress eating and then a second one if I've gained for the week. <br />
<br />
This week I weighed in at 248. It's a slow going process, especially with all of the stress that's been going on here lately. But I know I can do this, and I know G's not going to let me gain anymore. <br />
<br />
Hope everyone has a marvelous week.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-11573322861056344292010-10-26T09:04:00.000-07:002010-10-26T09:20:36.210-07:00Back with some lessons learnedHello everyone,<br /><br />Sorry for the very long absence. I just couldn't bring myself to blog for the longest time. Everytime I would think I am going to write something either nothing would come or I'd get distracted.<br /><br />Today, however, I find myself in an empty auditorium, waiting on a class that I won't start for another hour. Perfect time to study, or better yet, blog.<br /><br />A lot of things have happened in the year and a half that I've been away.<br /> M and I are no longer in a mentor relationship.<br /> I had my first actual (noninternet) boyfriend.<br /> I went through a phase of I don't need discipline.<br /> I got a new mentor.<br /> I transferred schools.<br /> I quit my job.<br /> My brother was deployed to Iraq and is now home.<br /> My brother is insisting on marrying a girl who he's not in love with.<br /> I've lost thirty-five pounds.<br /> I adopted two dogs.<br /> I had a flea market booth.<br /> And much more.<br />I plan on eventually writing post about all of these, but one step at a time. Hopefully,*keep your fingers crossed*, I'll have something posted weekly.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-78814661699033048912009-04-28T17:35:00.000-07:002009-04-28T17:44:44.095-07:00State of meSorry,it's been so long since I posted and it will probably be a while after this one, but I wanted to share something with you before I lost it. For those of you who don't know, M and I are in a long distance mentorship,which can and often does make it difficult.<br />This semester has been extremely bad. It seem like of this crap is happening, and there is nothing I can do about it. To make matters worse, I can't seem to recollect anything,especially when it comes to tests. This has gotten me in trouble quite a bit with M. If you include the maintenance spanking, I've been getting about two spankings a week here lately, and it sucks.<br />When I am at home or work, it makes it hard for him to be "you're trouble, do you understand me?". Somehow, he still manages it. I just can't say what he would like to hear.<br />Tonight, I had missed two calls from M while I was on the phone to my mother. I called him back, and he was on the bus. The moment he got home and into his room, he really lit into me with a lecture. Partially my fault because he brought up meds and I couldn't recollect whether or not I had taken a dose yesterday. I checked the prescription bottle to see if we could figure out that way. The bottle only had a month's supply and hadn't been refilled since January. Let me tell you he was pretty livid.<br />Basically, by the end of the call, I was all hush and yes,sir. He started saying this was good and that it only took a few months to get me in a submissive state. Now I only wish that would get me out of a spanking tonight. Not for meds. For a stupid physics test. Whatever you do do NOT take physics.<br />Oh, and M is wanting me to get a paddle. I've been working all day on him changing his mind. He told me tonight though that it is nonnegotiable.<br />Any suggestions?confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-1092272716478769682009-04-05T07:02:00.000-07:002009-04-05T07:29:36.503-07:00PropositionFor those of you who don't know, I go to school full-time and I am a resident assistant. I don't work as a resident assistant during the summer because it just doesn't pay enough plus the town is basically dead. I did recently apply for a job that would have required me to stay here for the summer. Much to the relief of my family, I didn't get it. It would have been nice because it would have been a big pay increase. However, I am okay with it, and my little brother is estatic because I will be able to go to his gamees.<br /> I haven't started applying for jobs back home because I was waiting to hear whether or not I was getting the job here. I am suppose to go on Monday to get help with my resume from a school councellor.<br /> My mom called me today and said that she wanted to tell me something without me getting mad. Most of the time that phrase means I am going to say something, and it is going to offend you. I am not exactly sure yet whether or not I am offended.<br /> One of the problems that I have with going home in the summer is my father is a nag. He is constantly getting on to everyone about housework and such. One of the phrases that I hate that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis is, "when you have a real job". I have always helped out with the family businesses whatever they may be. I've had a job that I was made for since I was 15. However, he doesn't consider either of those to be real jobs. One of those was a nanny postion. If I had been mowing lawns, I guarentee you he would have considered that to be a real job. Sorry didn't mean to get on a rant.<br /> Well, my mom said that she didn't want me to work over the summer. I love to work. In fact, I'd rather work than go to school. My mother promises that if I take the summer off my dad won't be nagging at me over housework. In a way, it would be nice to take the summer off, but I am not sure that I can handle a whole summer of doing nothingness.<br /> My aunt wants me to work at the Girl Scout Camp for the summer. Personally, I would like to avoid doing anything like what I am doing now. I have a job that can be very stressful. To make matters even better during the stressful times, I live at my job. I see my coworkers everyday whether I am working or not.<br /> I am considering their offer. The only condition was that I had to take my two siblings who can't drive back and forth to church.<br /> I need to boost my resume for if I decide to go to grad or med school. This presents a problem if I choose to take the summer off.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-61403916709221380862009-04-01T19:36:00.001-07:002009-04-01T19:49:45.834-07:00Corner TimeI don't know how many of you get corner time, but occasionally M will give it to me. I really don't like it. It can be a good thing for me sometimes. Take Sunday for example. M and I disagree about homework.<br /><br />I usually get very upset about it, and I decide that I am just giving up. If M knows about it, he is really good about encouraging me to finish it. Well, M has also decided that on Sundays are now going to involve a maintance spanking. He called to see what I was up to and how I was doing. I told him that I was going to finish, and he said to finish. It ended up with me getting a tone that I know better than to take with M, which was really stupid on my part to take because I was already getting a spanking anyhow. So that just earned me time in the corner. 15 long, excuricating minutes to be exact.<br /><br />It was good,however, to calm me down. I got a spanking directly afterwards, and Mike went to bed soon afterwards. I had been struggling with two problems for over an hour. I got both problems about ten minutes after I went back to working on the homework. If I hadn't have been so frustrated in the first place, I wouldn't have let my temper get the better of me, and I would have been done with my homework a lot sooner.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-50561413339058167492009-03-28T14:36:00.000-07:002009-03-28T15:06:49.191-07:00You don't know me so don't judge meI am going to be quite frank, and it has nothing to do with anything my readers have said. It has to do with how rude some people are. I am online quite a bit. I am especially fond of chatting. It is a good way of meeting new people and learning from them. It is also a good procrasination tool.<br /><br />The problem that I seem to have is running into people who believe in discipline, whether it be a domestic discipline relationship or not. Normally, females aren't so bad and are okay with simply chatting. The males on the other hand are a completely different story. There are a few out there who are willing to chat and wait until they have known you for a while before they try to submit any other ideas.<br /><br />There are a few males out there, however, that think so highly of themselves that the only reason anyone would want to chat with them is because they are need of discipline and are seeking help from them. Then, they get all high and mighty when people are not willing to agree to either their ideals or to submit to their off the wall discipline.<br /><br />I will admit that I am on the heavy side. If you ever met me in person, you would know I don't have a problem with it. I can do a lot of things that several skinny people can't, and it amazes me because you would think that they would be in better shape than I. I, do however, have a wonderful personality, and tons of people like me. Quite frankly, I don't need someone's approval who has never met me.<br /><br />I think part of the problem is we have too many boys trying to be doms when all they are is little boys. It takes a true man to be a dom. I am not online because I need judgement. I get plenty of that in my daily life. I am not online because I need someone else to tell me what I am doing wrong and how I should behave. I already have people for that.<br /><br />If you're not capable of leading in real life, you need to quit trying to run all over people online. It doesn't take long before your true colors show through. Subs and doms alike can tell when someone is being fake. When you're trying to give out punishments because the software is bad, you're not a leader. You're attempting to get your jollies at someone else's expense, and it won't be at mine.<br /><br />For those of you who have understood me and have given me support, thank you. It's genuinely appreciated.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-13218398027980652082009-03-20T12:52:00.000-07:002009-03-20T13:09:56.282-07:00Still owe twoThe four spankings that I owed started onMonday. After getting the first one out of the four, I was sent to the corner for fifteen minutes. Have I ever told you how much I hate the corner? It is an awfully boring place. However, it served the purpose that M was wanting. It got me to thinking, and I probably spend way too much time on the internet, which I have decided I am going to work on.<br /> School has a tendency to wear me out. I get too frustrated, and I don't get enough sleep. I went down to get my laundry out of the basement. Usually, after a spanking, I get very calmed down and contrite. Usually, I stay this way at least a couple of days. However, I quickly got aggrevated,and basically, asked for another spanking. It did the trick, and I felt alot better. Unfortunately, I don't think it counts towards my four.<br /> Tuesday, I got a second one. Thankfully, no corner time. Wednesday and Thursday I didn't get one at all. So I still owe two more. Translation. Three days of spanking in a row if we do tonight and Saturday because I still have a maintance spanking on Sunday. Maybe, M will forget about it.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-46015312581479648882009-03-14T10:15:00.000-07:002009-03-14T10:47:19.908-07:00In for it now.....I don't know what happened. I thought I had studied enough. Apparently not. Now, I am in hot water. I am currently home visiting my parents for Spring Break. Safe for now. However, I know when I return to school. I am going to be sorry that I wasn't more attentive.<br /> Last week, I managed to fail three tests, and I didn't turn in a homework assignment. I am not really worried about the homework assignment. The teacher will let me turn that in late. I'll just turn it in with the next chapter. The thing that worries me about the homework is I fessed up to M about it. So now instead of having three spankings waiting for me, I have four. Much to the delight and disappointment of my rear which will be taking them, he is spreading them out over the week so I don't have to pay up all at once. However, I am sure that my rear is going to be wishing that he had spread them over a couple of weeks instead of a couple of days.<br /> To make it even better, I have to sit on this awful stool for lab on Tuesday. I've never had a spanking the night before going to lab. However, the stool hurts enough on it's own. The teacher usually spends the first 45 minutes of the lab lecturing and giving a quiz. The moment she allows us to start with the experiment I jump out of my seat and spend the whole entire rest of the time standing. I can only imagine how much worse it is going to be with having a sore rear before going to lab. Not looking forward to that at all.<br /> <br /> On another note, M has decided that we need maintance. :( I am not looking forward to it at all. On a good note, it is only once a week and doesn't start until next Sunday. On the other hand, I really don't want maintance. M doesn't understand why if I don't like the idea of maintance why I am not fighting against. Truth be told, I don't think it would do any good if I did.<br /> I can get a horrible attitude which M doesn't like at all. It's not that I get nasty and start yelling and cussing at him. It's usually more of I don't feel like doing schoolwork anymore. I don't care that I have a quiz tomorrow type of behavior. Sometimes, it will carry over into me kind of backtalking M.<br /> For example,<br /> Me: I don't want to do my physics homework.<br /> M: When's it due?<br /> Me: Tonight. In about three hours.<br /> M: You better get it done.<br /> Me: I don't want to it. It's stupid, and most of the problems are unsolvable.<br /> M: I bet they are solvable. Go do your homework, and I'll talk to you when it's done.<br /> <br /> An hour later<br /> M: Did you get it done?<br /> Me: No.<br /> M: Then why are you calling me?<br /> Me: Because it's stupid, and I am getting nowhere.<br /> M: Do you need a spanking?<br /> Me: No.<br /> M: I think you might need a spanking to help you get it done.<br /> Me: No. I don't need or want one.<br /> M: Then, go finish your homework.<br /><br /> Almost this exact conversation has led to me getting a spanking in the past. Not because I didn't get the homework done, but because I had a sorry attitude about doing it. M says he's found a pattern of me having a crappy attitude, me getting a spanking, and the attitude going away for a while. He is opening to avoid it all together by just settting maintence.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-53046825763603178342009-03-08T16:28:00.000-07:002009-03-08T17:05:06.763-07:00LDDI don't know if anyone else reads the Loving Domestic Discipline site, but I have a few issues with the site. I check on the site every couple of days to see if anyone has posted any new comments since it doesn't show whether or not comments have been posted recently.<br /> Every once and a while there will be someone on there that I think is totally off the wall. Occasionally, I agree with someone. I understand that everyone has their own way of doing things. You can't apply the same set of rules and standards for everyone.<br /> If you haven't read the comments recently, I highly suggest you do. My post might make more sense. Two of the most recent comments involve maintance discipline. Both are highly recommended.<br /> I am not particularly fond of maintance discipline, but I can see where it can work well for some people. However, I think that both women are a lot braver than I am. I would throw up my hands, stomp my feet, pack my bags, and leave.<br /> The one guy does daily maintance and doesn't do it very hard. Okay, so I guess it's not that bad, especially considering the fact that she wrote in another section about how much good it does her. In fact, I believe she posted the day before he did.<br /> The other guy I know for a fact that I wouldn't put up with that. I would run home to my mother in a heart beat. He only does it twice a week. How nice of him. However, he believes in being strict and even maintance is harsh. Unless she is spanked to tears, her maintance isn't considered to be effective.<br /> I am not a crier when it comes to physical pain unless it is an extreme pain. Under this guy, I would be turned into hamburger meat. Honestly, why does anyone put up with that?<br /> Lord knows I can get my own butt enough trouble without having the excruiciating pain of someone trying to strip the flesh off of my rear just to try to ensure that I behave.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-59157019620950501632009-03-02T13:19:00.000-08:002009-03-02T14:21:12.820-08:00Stupid ClassAll I have to say is go me. Okay, that's not true. I actually have a good bit to say, but I want to start out by once again saying, GO ME!!!!! I managed to go all week without getting in trouble. There was one or two times where he asked if I needed one, but thankfully, it didn't get to that point.<br /> M has also made me start keeping a chart. I am suppose to study two hours per week per subject. When I mark off a class, I am suppose to text him. That was something new that he started last week. If it isn't done by 7 PM on Sunday, I can expect a session with the hairbrush. I am not liking the chart at all. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I felt pressed to get it done this weekend when there were a thousand things that I would have rather have been doing. I guess that is sort of the point though: to get me to quit procrasinating so much and pay more attention to my schoolwork. Funny, how implementing some sort of study plan was my idea. Stupid me. Someone remind me the next time that I want to work on something not to bring it up to M.<br /> An issue that M and I disagree on is bedtime. It's not that I stay up all night partying or doing whatever. In fact, most nights I am in bed an hour or two before bedtime, which is midnights on school nights and two on Friday and Saturday. Most days I don't have a problem with this. I am usually spent by ten at night anyhow, no matter what day of the week it is. However, some nights work requires me to be up past bedtime or friends will want to go do something. I was luck enough to get wonderful friends that are nightowls.<br /> Yesterday, one of my friends turned 21, and some of them were getting together to celebrate. I told them that if they needed me to I would go get them some more vodka. I'd rather me go get it than for one of them to try to drive after drinking. I asked M for extension until 3, which he thought was way too late. His condition was that I could have it in addition to the extension that he gave me for Wednesday that he couldn't recall. However, there was the stipulation that if I was late for classes today because I overslept because of staying up too late, I would be spanked.<br /> Well, I went to bed right after I even got off the phone to M at around ten last night. I figured that if they needed something they could just call me and I would go. I was way too tired just to stay up and wait for them to call. They never did call.<br /> I, however, was late to class. M eventually texted me today and asked me if I was late. I replied back, "yes, but not for the reason we discussed". Quite frankly, I am almost always a minute or two late for that class. Mondays are hectic days at work so I haven't heard anything else from him since I sent my reply. Unfortunately, Monday nights when he gets off of work are always busy for me. I always have meetings. Hopefully, the last meeting will be relatively short as I am sure M will want to talk about it.<br /> I would like to say that I will be able to talk myself out of a spanking, but I have a good feeling that even if I manage to get him not give one for the account of bedtime I will be getting another for being late on a reoccuring basis. I'll let you know how it goes.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-39475821262097963452009-02-25T19:59:00.000-08:002009-02-25T20:26:21.679-08:00Rebellion,Goals, and DisciplineMaybe it's just me. Maybe some of the rest of you deal with the same issues. But I do not deal with being ignored, even if it is not intentional. I need at least a reply to hello when I send one.<br /><br />Much to the displeasure of my rear end, I have been in major trouble three times over the past two weeks. Twice was for grades. :( Honestly, I think teachers should bring back the curve. And the third was for attitude on Sunday night.<br /><br />So my goal for this week is to stay completely out of trouble. Monday went good, and Tuesday was a close call. My lab instructor for one of my classes is a complete jerk. If I was an overly violent person, I would have hit him by now. Thankfully, I am not, but the man is driving me insane and had me in a really bad mood for an hour. Luckily, M was at work, and I didn't talk to him until several hours later, when my attitude was much more joyous.<br /><br />Today, M hasn't responded to any of my text messages, which isn't like him unless he loses his phone or it dies. Both of which I know didn't happen today. He called me, but I couldn't answer the phone because I was in a meeting for work. When I called him back, we spoke for a minute and a half, and he has yet to call me back like he said he would. Grrr.<br /><br />I understand the man is busy, but it is times like these that make me want to rebel and be a brat. Why should I bother to obey rules when you're nowhere to be found? I was thinking about how I should probably ask for extensions on bedtime for a few days coming up, but then, I started to remember about him basically avoiding me today and the pattern that happened the last time this occured.<br /><br />I am sure that later I will regret feeling this way as his boss was probably breathing down his neck the majority of day.<br /><br />However, I am up to day 3 of staying out of trouble. GO ME!!!!confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-119244065811545302009-02-20T13:05:00.000-08:002009-02-20T13:33:21.627-08:00Joining the circusRemember how people use to declare on tv how they were running away to join the circus? Well, that is how I felt for about the past month. It wasn't until this week that I finally got out of my funk of hating going to school and having to keep up with people who didn't seem to care that much about me to begin with. So I guess I have alot of stuff that I should catch everyone up on.<br /> For starters, M is back. He didn't abandon me. His phone was broken. He apologized about it, and then, he apologized for basically ignoring me for so long. We agreed to pick back up on the whole accountability thing. We haven't talked about getting together anymore. I can tell you though, if I haven't already, that the two of us will never have any sort of romatic relationship. M is a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but he is just one of those people that I can be friends with but never date.<br /> This is the first week in a three week time period that he hasn't been upset with me over school. Okay, we had one day where he wasn't to pleased this week, but that was because I got a lab practical back and made a D. So it's kind of understandable. However, Sunday that I wasn't taking school as seriously as I should be, he was getting really sick of the attitude, and if I didn't lose it, I would regret it. M gets annoyed when I get this attitude of not caring and asking everyone else to do my schoolwork for me.<br /> M just laughed at me when I told him that I was giving up and running away to join the circus.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-16293434772727846552009-01-28T07:12:00.000-08:002009-01-28T07:43:12.052-08:00Is it February yet?The past two weeks have been very busy and hectic for me. The Wednesday before last started out with my mother and I arguing. Then, one of my police friends called me and got onto me for being stupid. My mother refused to speak to me for the rest of the day and then most of Thursday. When we finally did talk on Thursday, we spent a good half an hour agruing and then the rest of conversation went good. I went home on Friday.<br /> Saturday, I got dressed up and went into the mall area, which I hate by the way, but I was going on a date so I can't really complain. We were suppose to meet at ten am. He never showed nor did he answer my phone calls or my texts. I went home and picked up my mother, and we went to the eye doctor.<br /> There, we waited two hours, despite the fact that it was suppose to be a thirty minute wait. Then, on top of that, I found out that the eye doctor was suppose to have checked something that he didn't due to the medications I take. Plus, we were accused of insurance fraud, not once but twice.<br /> Sunday, we go to my grandmother's house to sort through clothes that my aunt's church was trying to get rid of. My grandfather lived with my grandmother, despite the fact that they were divorced because he had to have someone take care of him because he was blind and an amputee that had to go to diaylsis. He didn't remember who I was, and he was confused almost the whole time that we were there. We talked about it and finally decided that it would be best for him to go to a nursing home, despite the way we all feel about them.<br /> We called the VA and took him down there. They admitted him, and we left. Monday, I came back to school and started dealing with people belly aching over the time that we were going to Missouri. The rest of the week went decent.<br /> Thursday, my aunt calls me and tells me that they amputated my grandfather's other leg without telling any of us that they were going to do it. Not much that I can do about it, considering the fact that I am three hours away. Plus the leg had been infected for months, and it wasn't getting any better.<br /> Saturday, I was cleaning my room and got this urge to talk to my mother. I can't even remember now why I wanted to talk to her. My cell phone battery was going dead so I texted her to call me on the dorm phone. I, of course, got impatient and called her anyhow. I think in someways that connection we have in the womb never goess away. Well, at least not with my mother and I. My grandfather had died.<br /> Got to go, but the rest will come later, I am sure.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-60047077129184162102009-01-10T17:02:00.001-08:002009-01-10T17:17:18.163-08:00AbandonmentWhen I was in elementary school, this guy called me and talked to me everyday for a week. The last day that we talked he started bring up specific events that I had no memory that I had. It was then that I realized he never meant to call me. He had thought that I was the other girl in our class that had the same first name. I immediately asked him if he thought he was talking to her, and when he said yes, I informed him that I wasn't her. He let me go and never called again. I am not even sure how he got my number, but I had the strangest feeling when I got off the phone to him the last day. I felt abandoned and that I had done something wrong. That somehow it was my fault that he didn't want to talk to me.<br /> I tried calling M today and the phone gave me a normal ringtone. I've never had that from his cell the whole time that I've known him. The message at the end said it had either been changed, disconnected, or is no longer in service. I am not sure if he changed his number because he no longer wants to talk to me, which would just be me being paranoid since he hasn't said anything that would give that indication, or if something else has happened. There's no telling.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-27695721151695573292009-01-07T11:00:00.000-08:002009-01-07T15:09:01.275-08:00Meds are inconvient and do nothing other than cause trouble.Last night, M went into Dom mode, which can really suck depending on when he chooses to go into it. Sometimes, I can tell right away that he's gone into Dom mode. Other times, I am not sure until I say yes and he replies back yes, what? or I say okay and he gets onto me for saying okay. Last night was one of the other times. I hate it when he goes from us discussing something as simple to a videogame to instant Dom mode because I always feel like I screwed up and he's upset with me, which whenever I ask he usually tells me that he wasn't upset unless I am in trouble.<br /> Well, last night he was wanting to know things that I need to work on. I told him that I couldn't really think of anything else, other than what we had already established. I would have been happy to end the coversation there and go onto something else. Something that didn't involve Dom mode. Unfortunately, M wasn't having any of that. He went off topic once, and the moment I got sarcastic, he said that I got distracted way too easily and went right back on track.<br /> I really couldn't think of anything else so finally I just mention meds, not that I was looking for help in this department. He wanted to know why he hadn't heard of me taking meds before now. I told him I didn't know. Now, that I think about it I should have said, you didn't ask and it's not information that I go around volunteering, but I think may have gotten me in trouble for being disrespectful. So maybe it was a good thing I basically didn't say anything.<br /> He wasn't too happy when he found out that I hadn't been taking my meds most days and none in the past few weeks. In fact, it ended up with me in the corner, bare. The corner is always such an awful place to be. First off, it's embrassing. Secondly, someone is upset with you, which is even worse than the embrassment. I don't embrassing if I got to keep my pants on. I guess it could have been worse. I could have got a spanking.<br /> So what did I learn from this experience? Medications suck. They usually taste nasty. They are a bugger to remember to take them, and they do nothing but get you into trouble when people find out that you haven't been taking them. There is one upside to medicines being on the list. Once M thinks it is an established rule, he will quit asking about it, just like he did with bedtime. Bedtime is easier to keep up with and inform M when I didn't follow through because of the clock. Meds, on the other hand, are harder to remember if I actually took them or not that day. So if I forget to take them, unless it becomes a habit, I probably won't remember to tell M.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-86408533488592108752009-01-04T20:18:00.000-08:002009-01-04T20:37:10.231-08:00Pressure. I am feeling uncomfortable.I am slowly becoming more comfortable with being accountable to someone else, although we are still working on dynamics of it. Sometimes, I don't feel comfortable bringing up certain subjects on the matter with him, but as I said, we are both still working on our comfort zones. I can't really talk to any of my friends about it because if they knew, they would absolutely freak, deman that I get help, and would never hear the end. However, there are a few people online that are starting to push on my boundaries.<br /> They don't know me. They don't know the full story about M and me. At first, it was just a small mention of me finding a mentor. That's fine. I have no problem with anyone making suggestions. But they didn't just stop there. Now, they are saying how I really need to find me a mentor that lives close by and should drive to.<br /> In person, I am very private. Most of my friends have never even seen me wear shorts. M and I didn't meet because I was looking for someone to help me stay on track right now in my life. No, M and I met, and it developed into what we have now over a period of time.<br /> I am starting to feel uncomfortable with people not settling for the fact that I don't want some stranger seeing me bare and then whipping me for my misdeeds. I don't want the people that I work with and go to school with finding out that I occasionally need more than the simple "Don't do that or do this". It doesn't matter if there are worse things. I am not comfortable with others that I have to see everyday knowing.<br /> Anybody else ever have this happen or I am I just being too emotional over this?confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-1258379128947198362008-12-30T18:40:00.000-08:002008-12-30T19:05:58.886-08:00Loving one's selfI think women are pulled in so many directions that they forget that they have to love themselves. On top of all the responsibilities that we are given, we are also asked to have so many different personalities. In the work place, we are expected to act one way, and at home, we are asked to behave another. We get so preoccupied with work, family, friends and some cases, school.<br /> I know I could be making a resolution like losing weight or call relatives that I rarely talk to more often. However, I like the way I look. I am not going to struggle and starve myself just so I can have some far-fetched hope of having the body that will make guys want me. I have a wonderful personality, and if some guy can't get over my weight to see that, then I can <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">guarentee</span> that they won't be man enough to handle me.<br /> The relatives have my phone number. They know where to reach me. I am not going to get all upset when I miss calling them. When I do call, they get all upset that I didn't have something important to tell them anyhow.<br /> So instead, I am going to take some time for me. That's right. I am making a resolution that I could truly benefit from. At least once a month, I am going to take a night to just get away from work and enjoy myself. A date with myself so to speak.<br /> The rules are simple.<br /> 1. It's just me. No friends.<br /> This is an evening for me. Not the drama of my friends.<br /> 2. No accepting calls from anyone I work with.<br /> I am suppose to be relaxing and rediscovering myself. This is not a time for people to try to get me to cover their shifts.<br /> 3. Relax and enjoy. Pick some place I would have been wanting to go to but haven't.<br /> No fast food.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-47961219936957804302008-12-21T15:11:00.000-08:002008-12-21T16:02:30.497-08:00Burying the pastI don't handle emotional stuff very well. I hate showing emotions around other people. I am always afraid that my emotion is going to be wrong. One reason why I don't hug.<br /> Hugs are something that are extremely personal to me so I just can't give them out to anyone, and not everyone receives hugs in the exact same manner. Some people hug all of the time while others only hug when they are extremely upset. Don't get me wrong. I'll return a hug when someone else initates it, but don't count on me to give you a hug. I'm the complete opposite of my sister in that manner. She just loves to hug.<br /> This semester hasn't been good. Well, in some ways, it has been terrific. Some really good people have come into my life. Unfortunately, some great people have also left my life. Everyone else that was close to these people have sat and talked it out. I can't bring myself to do that.<br /> What I want is for them to come back. I want them to fix whatever made them leave and for life to continue on as if nothing ever happened. Since that isn't going to happen, I am dealing with it the way that I deal with everyone else leaving my life. Try to forget that they were ever there until I can remember without wanting to cry.<br /> I went to my grandmother's house today to have Christmas with the relatives that live up there, mainly my grandmother, my grandfather, my aunt, uncle and their kids. It's really hard to get along with them at times because they are so judgemental. So normally, I ignore them and don't say very much when they are around.<br /> However, we were sitting there eating, and they were talking of something or another. I can't even remember what they had been talking about, but all of a sudden, my aunt says, "I heard your pastor left his wife." That is most definitely not what happened. She keeps at it, wanting to know what happened until I said, "I'd rather not discuss it."<br /> It's still a rather sore topic still. When D and M left with the babies, I didn't know how to respond. I still don't. They had become family to me. They were people I could see myself staying in touch with for the rest of my life. Now I am not even sure if I should message them.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-30182021773813268912008-12-14T07:39:00.000-08:002008-12-14T08:20:17.877-08:00I don't know where I am going. I don't know what I am doing. Just a few years ago, I had my life all mapped out. I knew exactly what I wanted. Now I am not so sure. The little deviations from the plan are becoming bigger. There are days when it seems like nothing is going the way it is suppose to.<br /> There are days when I feel so utterly useless. Days when I think maybe I was a mistake. Not a joke. Just merely a mistake. As if though God had meant to put someone else in my place. Usually it just last a day or two and then everything is right as rain. And yet my friends don't understand.<br /> They don't understand that I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being the third wheel when their significant others come to visit. There are days I just want to tell them to shut up when they start talking about them.<br /> I am tired of being the good girl that nobody wants. I'm not changing me just to make me more appealing to someone who can't give me what I need. I can't do that. I think I would hate myself if I did.<br /> I just want to know for once what it's like to be held by someone when you're having a bad day. I don't understand how anyone finds that one person.<br /> So these are the conclusions that I have come to today: Love is intangible web that people willingly crawl into but there are some of us that the web refuses entrance to and I am bound to be alone forever.<br /> I guess I should explain what brought this about. I have been talking with this guy for a few months now. It started as sort of I am bored, let's talk type of deal. Lately, we have been getting more and more friendly. We've even talked about possibly taking it to dating. My friends just poke fun and give me dirty looks when he is mentioned. They don't even know the poor guy. So here I have been putting up with all of this ridicule and being told that I am being obsessive by a few while others say that my concerns are perfectly justified.<br /> This morning he tells me that he is worried about how attached I am getting to him. If this thing ever went anywhere, our difference in religion would be a problem. I am glad he's thought of it because it has been a thought that has crossed my mind, but I don't think that it should put a major damper on things. Isn't that something that you're suppose to work out later? It's not even a huge difference. Just two different denominations of Christianity. <br /> Why do men have to be so confusing?confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-4988878514311907562008-12-09T20:19:00.000-08:002008-12-09T20:29:25.711-08:00Let Me Call You BackIt may sound extremely childish on my part, but one of my pet-peeves happens to be when someone tells me that they will call me back and never does. Sometimes, I get the feeling that the person doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I know it shows insecurity and childishness, but some of these people have slowly started to withdraw themselves from me. What else am I suppose to think?<br /> With others, I worry if they are okay. My mother has severe health problems. She will call me, and then she will suddenly get sick. When she doesn't call me back, I worry that they have had to hospitalize her again or something worse. Luckily, she usually just either went to bed or got distracted. It still makes me worry.<br /> So I guess what I am trying to say is if you tell someone that you will call them back, call them back.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-39716555708023488852008-11-23T17:31:00.000-08:002008-11-23T18:35:48.967-08:00In trouble againSo I've been given a bedtime. Midnight Sunday-Thursday and 2 am on Friday-Saturday. If something comes up, I can call and get permission to stay up later. Otherwise, I am expected to be in bed with the laptop off on time. It's the first time I've ever had a bedtime. I didn't even have one when I was a kid so there are some days that I just absolutely resent it.<br /> Well, for the past week or so, I just haven't felt like going to bed when I was suppose to. Yesterday morning, I asked if we could just skip bedtime. He wanted to know why and wasn't happy with 'I just don't want to'. I proceeded to tell him that I wasn't happy with bedtime this week, and I was tired of doing it. I've been really iritable about the whole thing and tempted to stay up past it every night just because there was a rule there to break. It was rather bratty of me considering the fact that I have had two days this week where I didn't have bedtime and then a following day with an extension because I had to come back to school and I had a paper that was due the next morning.<br /> We talked later on the phone, and he let me know that he wasn't happy about me thinking about staying up past bedtime, even though I knew it would get me in trouble. He said that he felt like I was disrepecting his authority. I hadn't meant for it to come across that way.<br /> He's decided the best way to handle it would be some time in the corner. I've only been in the corner once, but I hate it. It is so embarrassiing, not to mention childish. I was so surprised when he told me that I couldn't say anything. I couldn't really argue with over it at the time anyhow because I was walking with my sister. She would be confused and would most likely tell my parents that she heard me arguing over going in the corner.<br /> I finally got some alone time and was able to talk to him about it. I am still in trouble over being resentful and disrepectful. We can't do anything about it while my sister is here and I am at home. So when I get back on Sunday from home, we're going to deal with it then before I go to bed.<br /> Although I am not happy about being punished, I did feel rather loved and cared for when we were done talking. By bedtime, I had no problem with doing as I had been told.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7941048410259446100.post-14873941566038576142008-11-15T14:48:00.000-08:002008-11-15T15:27:41.938-08:00Needing SpaceSorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been doing other things, and everytime I have gone to update something has come up.<br />I have been talking to a guy, and there has been talk of maybe taking things from friendship to something more. The "R" word as he called it. This was a few days ago. Now, I am not so sure where we stand.<br />Thursday morning, he tells me that he sometimes gets too attached to people. Thursday night, he's asking if he's allowed to talk about the "R" word.I went to bed with butterflies in my tummy.<br />However, Friday morning, I got to thinking about what he had said Thursday morning. Friday afternoon, I asked him if this new talk was simply because he was getting too attached or if he was serious. He claims he was serious. And then, last night we stepped on each other's toes.<br />While I was talking to him on the phone, I went down to the lobby because a friend called me and said she was lonely and needed to be kept company so she wouldn't fall asleep at work. I figured I could go down there, keep talking to him, and she would just occasionally make her teasing comments. Once I got down there, it was a completely different story. There were tons of people, who hadn't been down there when she called.<br />Those who couldn't leave the building asked me to go to McDonald's to pick them up some food. So I took food orders and went. Before I even left the parking lot, he told me that he was going to run to the store and that he would call me later. He called me three and a half hours later, after I had already been asleep for over an hour. So he said Goodnight and let me go.<br />He told me yesterday that his plans for the weekend were to play videogames and watch the Couture vs. Lesnar fight. I am fine with this. We haven't instant messaged each other or talked on the phone today. This unusual for us. If nothing else, we talk for at least five minutes everyday. I am not going to push it. I am not going to call him. I am not going to leave him messages through yahoo. I am just going to let him take a break from me. If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.<br />I will admit I did something that may have been a little hurtful to his feelings. The other day he got onto me for not studying. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him that after he was done I mentally seperated myself from him. He was just a being that was there until later. Maybe, I shouldn't have said that, but it was true.<br />I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know what he expects from me. He tells me to be truthful, to just be me, but it seems like I am constantly stepping on his toes whenever I answer one of his questions. Maybe distance and space is the answer. I'll let you know how it goes.confusedbutlearninghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14221646840250203243noreply@blogger.com0