State of me

Sorry,it's been so long since I posted and it will probably be a while after this one, but I wanted to share something with you before I lost it. For those of you who don't know, M and I are in a long distance mentorship,which can and often does make it difficult.
This semester has been extremely bad. It seem like of this crap is happening, and there is nothing I can do about it. To make matters worse, I can't seem to recollect anything,especially when it comes to tests. This has gotten me in trouble quite a bit with M. If you include the maintenance spanking, I've been getting about two spankings a week here lately, and it sucks.
When I am at home or work, it makes it hard for him to be "you're trouble, do you understand me?". Somehow, he still manages it. I just can't say what he would like to hear.
Tonight, I had missed two calls from M while I was on the phone to my mother. I called him back, and he was on the bus. The moment he got home and into his room, he really lit into me with a lecture. Partially my fault because he brought up meds and I couldn't recollect whether or not I had taken a dose yesterday. I checked the prescription bottle to see if we could figure out that way. The bottle only had a month's supply and hadn't been refilled since January. Let me tell you he was pretty livid.
Basically, by the end of the call, I was all hush and yes,sir. He started saying this was good and that it only took a few months to get me in a submissive state. Now I only wish that would get me out of a spanking tonight. Not for meds. For a stupid physics test. Whatever you do do NOT take physics.
Oh, and M is wanting me to get a paddle. I've been working all day on him changing his mind. He told me tonight though that it is nonnegotiable.
Any suggestions?

Proposition

For those of you who don't know, I go to school full-time and I am a resident assistant. I don't work as a resident assistant during the summer because it just doesn't pay enough plus the town is basically dead. I did recently apply for a job that would have required me to stay here for the summer. Much to the relief of my family, I didn't get it. It would have been nice because it would have been a big pay increase. However, I am okay with it, and my little brother is estatic because I will be able to go to his gamees.
I haven't started applying for jobs back home because I was waiting to hear whether or not I was getting the job here. I am suppose to go on Monday to get help with my resume from a school councellor.
My mom called me today and said that she wanted to tell me something without me getting mad. Most of the time that phrase means I am going to say something, and it is going to offend you. I am not exactly sure yet whether or not I am offended.
One of the problems that I have with going home in the summer is my father is a nag. He is constantly getting on to everyone about housework and such. One of the phrases that I hate that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis is, "when you have a real job". I have always helped out with the family businesses whatever they may be. I've had a job that I was made for since I was 15. However, he doesn't consider either of those to be real jobs. One of those was a nanny postion. If I had been mowing lawns, I guarentee you he would have considered that to be a real job. Sorry didn't mean to get on a rant.
Well, my mom said that she didn't want me to work over the summer. I love to work. In fact, I'd rather work than go to school. My mother promises that if I take the summer off my dad won't be nagging at me over housework. In a way, it would be nice to take the summer off, but I am not sure that I can handle a whole summer of doing nothingness.
My aunt wants me to work at the Girl Scout Camp for the summer. Personally, I would like to avoid doing anything like what I am doing now. I have a job that can be very stressful. To make matters even better during the stressful times, I live at my job. I see my coworkers everyday whether I am working or not.
I am considering their offer. The only condition was that I had to take my two siblings who can't drive back and forth to church.
I need to boost my resume for if I decide to go to grad or med school. This presents a problem if I choose to take the summer off.

Corner Time

I don't know how many of you get corner time, but occasionally M will give it to me. I really don't like it. It can be a good thing for me sometimes. Take Sunday for example. M and I disagree about homework.

I usually get very upset about it, and I decide that I am just giving up. If M knows about it, he is really good about encouraging me to finish it. Well, M has also decided that on Sundays are now going to involve a maintance spanking. He called to see what I was up to and how I was doing. I told him that I was going to finish, and he said to finish. It ended up with me getting a tone that I know better than to take with M, which was really stupid on my part to take because I was already getting a spanking anyhow. So that just earned me time in the corner. 15 long, excuricating minutes to be exact.

It was good,however, to calm me down. I got a spanking directly afterwards, and Mike went to bed soon afterwards. I had been struggling with two problems for over an hour. I got both problems about ten minutes after I went back to working on the homework. If I hadn't have been so frustrated in the first place, I wouldn't have let my temper get the better of me, and I would have been done with my homework a lot sooner.

You don't know me so don't judge me

I am going to be quite frank, and it has nothing to do with anything my readers have said. It has to do with how rude some people are. I am online quite a bit. I am especially fond of chatting. It is a good way of meeting new people and learning from them. It is also a good procrasination tool.

The problem that I seem to have is running into people who believe in discipline, whether it be a domestic discipline relationship or not. Normally, females aren't so bad and are okay with simply chatting. The males on the other hand are a completely different story. There are a few out there who are willing to chat and wait until they have known you for a while before they try to submit any other ideas.

There are a few males out there, however, that think so highly of themselves that the only reason anyone would want to chat with them is because they are need of discipline and are seeking help from them. Then, they get all high and mighty when people are not willing to agree to either their ideals or to submit to their off the wall discipline.

I will admit that I am on the heavy side. If you ever met me in person, you would know I don't have a problem with it. I can do a lot of things that several skinny people can't, and it amazes me because you would think that they would be in better shape than I. I, do however, have a wonderful personality, and tons of people like me. Quite frankly, I don't need someone's approval who has never met me.

I think part of the problem is we have too many boys trying to be doms when all they are is little boys. It takes a true man to be a dom. I am not online because I need judgement. I get plenty of that in my daily life. I am not online because I need someone else to tell me what I am doing wrong and how I should behave. I already have people for that.

If you're not capable of leading in real life, you need to quit trying to run all over people online. It doesn't take long before your true colors show through. Subs and doms alike can tell when someone is being fake. When you're trying to give out punishments because the software is bad, you're not a leader. You're attempting to get your jollies at someone else's expense, and it won't be at mine.

For those of you who have understood me and have given me support, thank you. It's genuinely appreciated.

Still owe two

The four spankings that I owed started onMonday. After getting the first one out of the four, I was sent to the corner for fifteen minutes. Have I ever told you how much I hate the corner? It is an awfully boring place. However, it served the purpose that M was wanting. It got me to thinking, and I probably spend way too much time on the internet, which I have decided I am going to work on.
School has a tendency to wear me out. I get too frustrated, and I don't get enough sleep. I went down to get my laundry out of the basement. Usually, after a spanking, I get very calmed down and contrite. Usually, I stay this way at least a couple of days. However, I quickly got aggrevated,and basically, asked for another spanking. It did the trick, and I felt alot better. Unfortunately, I don't think it counts towards my four.
Tuesday, I got a second one. Thankfully, no corner time. Wednesday and Thursday I didn't get one at all. So I still owe two more. Translation. Three days of spanking in a row if we do tonight and Saturday because I still have a maintance spanking on Sunday. Maybe, M will forget about it.

In for it now.....

I don't know what happened. I thought I had studied enough. Apparently not. Now, I am in hot water. I am currently home visiting my parents for Spring Break. Safe for now. However, I know when I return to school. I am going to be sorry that I wasn't more attentive.
Last week, I managed to fail three tests, and I didn't turn in a homework assignment. I am not really worried about the homework assignment. The teacher will let me turn that in late. I'll just turn it in with the next chapter. The thing that worries me about the homework is I fessed up to M about it. So now instead of having three spankings waiting for me, I have four. Much to the delight and disappointment of my rear which will be taking them, he is spreading them out over the week so I don't have to pay up all at once. However, I am sure that my rear is going to be wishing that he had spread them over a couple of weeks instead of a couple of days.
To make it even better, I have to sit on this awful stool for lab on Tuesday. I've never had a spanking the night before going to lab. However, the stool hurts enough on it's own. The teacher usually spends the first 45 minutes of the lab lecturing and giving a quiz. The moment she allows us to start with the experiment I jump out of my seat and spend the whole entire rest of the time standing. I can only imagine how much worse it is going to be with having a sore rear before going to lab. Not looking forward to that at all.

On another note, M has decided that we need maintance. :( I am not looking forward to it at all. On a good note, it is only once a week and doesn't start until next Sunday. On the other hand, I really don't want maintance. M doesn't understand why if I don't like the idea of maintance why I am not fighting against. Truth be told, I don't think it would do any good if I did.
I can get a horrible attitude which M doesn't like at all. It's not that I get nasty and start yelling and cussing at him. It's usually more of I don't feel like doing schoolwork anymore. I don't care that I have a quiz tomorrow type of behavior. Sometimes, it will carry over into me kind of backtalking M.
For example,
Me: I don't want to do my physics homework.
M: When's it due?
Me: Tonight. In about three hours.
M: You better get it done.
Me: I don't want to it. It's stupid, and most of the problems are unsolvable.
M: I bet they are solvable. Go do your homework, and I'll talk to you when it's done.

An hour later
M: Did you get it done?
Me: No.
M: Then why are you calling me?
Me: Because it's stupid, and I am getting nowhere.
M: Do you need a spanking?
Me: No.
M: I think you might need a spanking to help you get it done.
Me: No. I don't need or want one.
M: Then, go finish your homework.

Almost this exact conversation has led to me getting a spanking in the past. Not because I didn't get the homework done, but because I had a sorry attitude about doing it. M says he's found a pattern of me having a crappy attitude, me getting a spanking, and the attitude going away for a while. He is opening to avoid it all together by just settting maintence.

LDD

I don't know if anyone else reads the Loving Domestic Discipline site, but I have a few issues with the site. I check on the site every couple of days to see if anyone has posted any new comments since it doesn't show whether or not comments have been posted recently.
Every once and a while there will be someone on there that I think is totally off the wall. Occasionally, I agree with someone. I understand that everyone has their own way of doing things. You can't apply the same set of rules and standards for everyone.
If you haven't read the comments recently, I highly suggest you do. My post might make more sense. Two of the most recent comments involve maintance discipline. Both are highly recommended.
I am not particularly fond of maintance discipline, but I can see where it can work well for some people. However, I think that both women are a lot braver than I am. I would throw up my hands, stomp my feet, pack my bags, and leave.
The one guy does daily maintance and doesn't do it very hard. Okay, so I guess it's not that bad, especially considering the fact that she wrote in another section about how much good it does her. In fact, I believe she posted the day before he did.
The other guy I know for a fact that I wouldn't put up with that. I would run home to my mother in a heart beat. He only does it twice a week. How nice of him. However, he believes in being strict and even maintance is harsh. Unless she is spanked to tears, her maintance isn't considered to be effective.
I am not a crier when it comes to physical pain unless it is an extreme pain. Under this guy, I would be turned into hamburger meat. Honestly, why does anyone put up with that?
Lord knows I can get my own butt enough trouble without having the excruiciating pain of someone trying to strip the flesh off of my rear just to try to ensure that I behave.

Stupid Class

All I have to say is go me. Okay, that's not true. I actually have a good bit to say, but I want to start out by once again saying, GO ME!!!!! I managed to go all week without getting in trouble. There was one or two times where he asked if I needed one, but thankfully, it didn't get to that point.
M has also made me start keeping a chart. I am suppose to study two hours per week per subject. When I mark off a class, I am suppose to text him. That was something new that he started last week. If it isn't done by 7 PM on Sunday, I can expect a session with the hairbrush. I am not liking the chart at all. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I felt pressed to get it done this weekend when there were a thousand things that I would have rather have been doing. I guess that is sort of the point though: to get me to quit procrasinating so much and pay more attention to my schoolwork. Funny, how implementing some sort of study plan was my idea. Stupid me. Someone remind me the next time that I want to work on something not to bring it up to M.
An issue that M and I disagree on is bedtime. It's not that I stay up all night partying or doing whatever. In fact, most nights I am in bed an hour or two before bedtime, which is midnights on school nights and two on Friday and Saturday. Most days I don't have a problem with this. I am usually spent by ten at night anyhow, no matter what day of the week it is. However, some nights work requires me to be up past bedtime or friends will want to go do something. I was luck enough to get wonderful friends that are nightowls.
Yesterday, one of my friends turned 21, and some of them were getting together to celebrate. I told them that if they needed me to I would go get them some more vodka. I'd rather me go get it than for one of them to try to drive after drinking. I asked M for extension until 3, which he thought was way too late. His condition was that I could have it in addition to the extension that he gave me for Wednesday that he couldn't recall. However, there was the stipulation that if I was late for classes today because I overslept because of staying up too late, I would be spanked.
Well, I went to bed right after I even got off the phone to M at around ten last night. I figured that if they needed something they could just call me and I would go. I was way too tired just to stay up and wait for them to call. They never did call.
I, however, was late to class. M eventually texted me today and asked me if I was late. I replied back, "yes, but not for the reason we discussed". Quite frankly, I am almost always a minute or two late for that class. Mondays are hectic days at work so I haven't heard anything else from him since I sent my reply. Unfortunately, Monday nights when he gets off of work are always busy for me. I always have meetings. Hopefully, the last meeting will be relatively short as I am sure M will want to talk about it.
I would like to say that I will be able to talk myself out of a spanking, but I have a good feeling that even if I manage to get him not give one for the account of bedtime I will be getting another for being late on a reoccuring basis. I'll let you know how it goes.

Rebellion,Goals, and Discipline

Maybe it's just me. Maybe some of the rest of you deal with the same issues. But I do not deal with being ignored, even if it is not intentional. I need at least a reply to hello when I send one.

Much to the displeasure of my rear end, I have been in major trouble three times over the past two weeks. Twice was for grades. :( Honestly, I think teachers should bring back the curve. And the third was for attitude on Sunday night.

So my goal for this week is to stay completely out of trouble. Monday went good, and Tuesday was a close call. My lab instructor for one of my classes is a complete jerk. If I was an overly violent person, I would have hit him by now. Thankfully, I am not, but the man is driving me insane and had me in a really bad mood for an hour. Luckily, M was at work, and I didn't talk to him until several hours later, when my attitude was much more joyous.

Today, M hasn't responded to any of my text messages, which isn't like him unless he loses his phone or it dies. Both of which I know didn't happen today. He called me, but I couldn't answer the phone because I was in a meeting for work. When I called him back, we spoke for a minute and a half, and he has yet to call me back like he said he would. Grrr.

I understand the man is busy, but it is times like these that make me want to rebel and be a brat. Why should I bother to obey rules when you're nowhere to be found? I was thinking about how I should probably ask for extensions on bedtime for a few days coming up, but then, I started to remember about him basically avoiding me today and the pattern that happened the last time this occured.

I am sure that later I will regret feeling this way as his boss was probably breathing down his neck the majority of day.

However, I am up to day 3 of staying out of trouble. GO ME!!!!

Joining the circus

Remember how people use to declare on tv how they were running away to join the circus? Well, that is how I felt for about the past month. It wasn't until this week that I finally got out of my funk of hating going to school and having to keep up with people who didn't seem to care that much about me to begin with. So I guess I have alot of stuff that I should catch everyone up on.
For starters, M is back. He didn't abandon me. His phone was broken. He apologized about it, and then, he apologized for basically ignoring me for so long. We agreed to pick back up on the whole accountability thing. We haven't talked about getting together anymore. I can tell you though, if I haven't already, that the two of us will never have any sort of romatic relationship. M is a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but he is just one of those people that I can be friends with but never date.
This is the first week in a three week time period that he hasn't been upset with me over school. Okay, we had one day where he wasn't to pleased this week, but that was because I got a lab practical back and made a D. So it's kind of understandable. However, Sunday that I wasn't taking school as seriously as I should be, he was getting really sick of the attitude, and if I didn't lose it, I would regret it. M gets annoyed when I get this attitude of not caring and asking everyone else to do my schoolwork for me.
M just laughed at me when I told him that I was giving up and running away to join the circus.

Is it February yet?

The past two weeks have been very busy and hectic for me. The Wednesday before last started out with my mother and I arguing. Then, one of my police friends called me and got onto me for being stupid. My mother refused to speak to me for the rest of the day and then most of Thursday. When we finally did talk on Thursday, we spent a good half an hour agruing and then the rest of conversation went good. I went home on Friday.
Saturday, I got dressed up and went into the mall area, which I hate by the way, but I was going on a date so I can't really complain. We were suppose to meet at ten am. He never showed nor did he answer my phone calls or my texts. I went home and picked up my mother, and we went to the eye doctor.
There, we waited two hours, despite the fact that it was suppose to be a thirty minute wait. Then, on top of that, I found out that the eye doctor was suppose to have checked something that he didn't due to the medications I take. Plus, we were accused of insurance fraud, not once but twice.
Sunday, we go to my grandmother's house to sort through clothes that my aunt's church was trying to get rid of. My grandfather lived with my grandmother, despite the fact that they were divorced because he had to have someone take care of him because he was blind and an amputee that had to go to diaylsis. He didn't remember who I was, and he was confused almost the whole time that we were there. We talked about it and finally decided that it would be best for him to go to a nursing home, despite the way we all feel about them.
We called the VA and took him down there. They admitted him, and we left. Monday, I came back to school and started dealing with people belly aching over the time that we were going to Missouri. The rest of the week went decent.
Thursday, my aunt calls me and tells me that they amputated my grandfather's other leg without telling any of us that they were going to do it. Not much that I can do about it, considering the fact that I am three hours away. Plus the leg had been infected for months, and it wasn't getting any better.
Saturday, I was cleaning my room and got this urge to talk to my mother. I can't even remember now why I wanted to talk to her. My cell phone battery was going dead so I texted her to call me on the dorm phone. I, of course, got impatient and called her anyhow. I think in someways that connection we have in the womb never goess away. Well, at least not with my mother and I. My grandfather had died.
Got to go, but the rest will come later, I am sure.

Abandonment

When I was in elementary school, this guy called me and talked to me everyday for a week. The last day that we talked he started bring up specific events that I had no memory that I had. It was then that I realized he never meant to call me. He had thought that I was the other girl in our class that had the same first name. I immediately asked him if he thought he was talking to her, and when he said yes, I informed him that I wasn't her. He let me go and never called again. I am not even sure how he got my number, but I had the strangest feeling when I got off the phone to him the last day. I felt abandoned and that I had done something wrong. That somehow it was my fault that he didn't want to talk to me.
I tried calling M today and the phone gave me a normal ringtone. I've never had that from his cell the whole time that I've known him. The message at the end said it had either been changed, disconnected, or is no longer in service. I am not sure if he changed his number because he no longer wants to talk to me, which would just be me being paranoid since he hasn't said anything that would give that indication, or if something else has happened. There's no telling.

Meds are inconvient and do nothing other than cause trouble.

Last night, M went into Dom mode, which can really suck depending on when he chooses to go into it. Sometimes, I can tell right away that he's gone into Dom mode. Other times, I am not sure until I say yes and he replies back yes, what? or I say okay and he gets onto me for saying okay. Last night was one of the other times. I hate it when he goes from us discussing something as simple to a videogame to instant Dom mode because I always feel like I screwed up and he's upset with me, which whenever I ask he usually tells me that he wasn't upset unless I am in trouble.
Well, last night he was wanting to know things that I need to work on. I told him that I couldn't really think of anything else, other than what we had already established. I would have been happy to end the coversation there and go onto something else. Something that didn't involve Dom mode. Unfortunately, M wasn't having any of that. He went off topic once, and the moment I got sarcastic, he said that I got distracted way too easily and went right back on track.
I really couldn't think of anything else so finally I just mention meds, not that I was looking for help in this department. He wanted to know why he hadn't heard of me taking meds before now. I told him I didn't know. Now, that I think about it I should have said, you didn't ask and it's not information that I go around volunteering, but I think may have gotten me in trouble for being disrespectful. So maybe it was a good thing I basically didn't say anything.
He wasn't too happy when he found out that I hadn't been taking my meds most days and none in the past few weeks. In fact, it ended up with me in the corner, bare. The corner is always such an awful place to be. First off, it's embrassing. Secondly, someone is upset with you, which is even worse than the embrassment. I don't embrassing if I got to keep my pants on. I guess it could have been worse. I could have got a spanking.
So what did I learn from this experience? Medications suck. They usually taste nasty. They are a bugger to remember to take them, and they do nothing but get you into trouble when people find out that you haven't been taking them. There is one upside to medicines being on the list. Once M thinks it is an established rule, he will quit asking about it, just like he did with bedtime. Bedtime is easier to keep up with and inform M when I didn't follow through because of the clock. Meds, on the other hand, are harder to remember if I actually took them or not that day. So if I forget to take them, unless it becomes a habit, I probably won't remember to tell M.

Pressure. I am feeling uncomfortable.

I am slowly becoming more comfortable with being accountable to someone else, although we are still working on dynamics of it. Sometimes, I don't feel comfortable bringing up certain subjects on the matter with him, but as I said, we are both still working on our comfort zones. I can't really talk to any of my friends about it because if they knew, they would absolutely freak, deman that I get help, and would never hear the end. However, there are a few people online that are starting to push on my boundaries.
They don't know me. They don't know the full story about M and me. At first, it was just a small mention of me finding a mentor. That's fine. I have no problem with anyone making suggestions. But they didn't just stop there. Now, they are saying how I really need to find me a mentor that lives close by and should drive to.
In person, I am very private. Most of my friends have never even seen me wear shorts. M and I didn't meet because I was looking for someone to help me stay on track right now in my life. No, M and I met, and it developed into what we have now over a period of time.
I am starting to feel uncomfortable with people not settling for the fact that I don't want some stranger seeing me bare and then whipping me for my misdeeds. I don't want the people that I work with and go to school with finding out that I occasionally need more than the simple "Don't do that or do this". It doesn't matter if there are worse things. I am not comfortable with others that I have to see everyday knowing.
Anybody else ever have this happen or I am I just being too emotional over this?