Yesterday, one of the girls I work with was discussing diabetes with me, and she made the comment that food addictions are real and can be just as bad as drug addictions.
Addiction-the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
One of the things that G and I discussed at length when we first met was my food addiction. I am not in denial. I know I have one. Thankfully, I've never gotten up to 600 pounds, but the addiction is there all the same. I eat when I am bored, when I am sad, when I am happy, and when I am stressed. I suppose part of it could be blamed on culture with the way we eat at every occasion and commericals are constantly being shoved at us to eat more. Have you had your fourth meal lately?
It's one of the things that we've been working on. Last week was the first time that I've been in trouble for stress eating in a while. Trust me, it didn't go over well.
One of G's few rules is no emotional eating, especially not stress eating. Until we started the whole house buying process, I was doing really good with losing weight and making good food choices. With the one exception, I haven't been stress eating. I sit at my desk and go through the whole am I hungry or am I bored or stressed thought process.
Normally, if it was hungry, I would rationalize that I'll be having dinner in a few hours when I get home. This week it has been more of I am hungry I am just going to have one pack of cookies.
They are starting a biggest loser challenge at my work. I am not participating in it because I have no competitive spirit. Trust me, if I was on the tv show, I'd be eating whatever I could find at the end of the day just to deal with the stress of people yelling at me. I've only ever seen the commericals so I all I know about the show is people yell at overweight people who they are making exercise.
So Thursday I come up with the detailed list of goals that I am going to try to accomplish before Jan 5th on weight loss. In case, I didn't mention it earlier, G and I made a deal that if I could lose 4 pounds in the month of June that I could have a free eating weekend with no consequences as long as I didn't gain more than 1/2 a pound.
This morning's weigh in proved that I am nowhere near where I need to be in order to meet the deal or the list of goals. I gained nearly a pound from last week, which puts me at needing to lose 3 pounds for next week in order to meet the deal. If I really work at it, I could pull off 2. I can't pull off 3. Needless to say, G was more than thrilled with the news of the gain, and I am sitting on a sore bottom.
So while I am going through this week of telling the cookies I don't need them, please feel free to say lots of prayers and have some milk and cookies for me.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
A photo is worth a thousand words or a creepy evening?
For the past couple of days, I've been trying to figure out what I wanted my next blog post to be about. At times, I was concerned about writing something thought provoking. Other times, I thought that I would just write about what is going on in my daily life and keep everyone updated.
Today, the post finally came to me. No, it's not that Arby's needs to add more pickles to their Arby Q's or trying to buy a house is stressful. While both statements are true, they are not the topic of today's post.
I have always been rather hesitant to give out my photo or to get on my webcam. Not because I am insecure, but I have found people to be rather annoying with both. You give an inch, and they want a mile. I tell people that I only have one and share. Instead of that being the end of it, they keep asking for more photos.
If I decide to use my webcam, I get either people who claim the camera isn't good or I get perverts. I know that we all deal with perverts in this lifestyle. What makes it terribly difficult for me is it is usually people that I have been chatting with for a while who feel the need to demand I strip naked or do lude acts on the webcam as if though they have some sort of claim to me. My block list is constantly growing, and I choose not to keep my webcam hooked up.
I've never given really any thought to what people do with my picture after I share with them. I imagine that most people never give it another thought after the photosharing is closed out. Today, I found out how incredibly wrong I was.
Not only did someone not only give it another thought, but they printed it out. To make matters worse, I found out that they were masterbating to it. No, I didn't ask about it. I am not that self-centered to assume that anyone would find me attractive enough to do such a thing.
The person came out and admitted as much to me. Not only did they go so far as to admit to me as to what they were doing, but they sent me a message, trying to instruct me to instruct them on how to do so. I hoping you think highly enough of me by now to know that I didn't respond to it.
It did, however, get me to thinking. What are other people doing when I agree to share my photo? It sort of has me on edge now, and I've decided to not chat so much online and hold off on sharing photos in general.
What do you do to keep yourself safe online or at least feel safe? How comfortable are you with sharing your photo online?
Today, the post finally came to me. No, it's not that Arby's needs to add more pickles to their Arby Q's or trying to buy a house is stressful. While both statements are true, they are not the topic of today's post.
I have always been rather hesitant to give out my photo or to get on my webcam. Not because I am insecure, but I have found people to be rather annoying with both. You give an inch, and they want a mile. I tell people that I only have one and share. Instead of that being the end of it, they keep asking for more photos.
If I decide to use my webcam, I get either people who claim the camera isn't good or I get perverts. I know that we all deal with perverts in this lifestyle. What makes it terribly difficult for me is it is usually people that I have been chatting with for a while who feel the need to demand I strip naked or do lude acts on the webcam as if though they have some sort of claim to me. My block list is constantly growing, and I choose not to keep my webcam hooked up.
I've never given really any thought to what people do with my picture after I share with them. I imagine that most people never give it another thought after the photosharing is closed out. Today, I found out how incredibly wrong I was.
Not only did someone not only give it another thought, but they printed it out. To make matters worse, I found out that they were masterbating to it. No, I didn't ask about it. I am not that self-centered to assume that anyone would find me attractive enough to do such a thing.
The person came out and admitted as much to me. Not only did they go so far as to admit to me as to what they were doing, but they sent me a message, trying to instruct me to instruct them on how to do so. I hoping you think highly enough of me by now to know that I didn't respond to it.
It did, however, get me to thinking. What are other people doing when I agree to share my photo? It sort of has me on edge now, and I've decided to not chat so much online and hold off on sharing photos in general.
What do you do to keep yourself safe online or at least feel safe? How comfortable are you with sharing your photo online?
Monday, June 4, 2012
Battle of the Bulge
Good morning,
I know no one actually reads this blog anymore as I never take the time to update it. I have always been a procrastinator. So even more stuff has happened since my last posting.
I graduated college.
I moved back in with the folks.
I ran an ice cream truck. Not just one of those modern van ones you see now days either, but an old 1960s Good humor ice cream truck.
I gained back 20 lbs of the 40 that I had lost.
After months and months of job searching, I got a job.
I've lost 7 of it since starting the new job.
I am buying a house.
There's lots of things that I could post on, but I think the one I'll focus on this morning is the weight loss issue. I've struggled with my weight for a long, long time.
When I was dating the boyfriend, mom decided to get us the Stax system for us to use together. She lasted two weeks on hers,but I really put an effort into using mine. The boyfriend and I actually got in the a little spat about it. He claimed that I didn't need to lose any weight. I am 5'7" and at the time weighed 275 lbs.
Well, I worked at it and got down to 250 before I went to work a summer job at a camp, meaning that I had to eat camp food with the kids. I packed on 13 lbs. I was not happy about it. I guess this would be a good time to bring up G who always tries to keep me on track even when I am "kicking and screamnig" that I don't care about losing weight anymore.
G wasn't exactly happy that I was taking the job to begin with, but he was even less than thrilled when I gained 13 lbs from it and all of our hard work went down the drain. So when I got back from camp we went straight back to working on the weight loss. Leaving camp meant no more line writing for me. Line writing is one of those things that G uses when other punishments just aren't available. They bring out my wonderful adult attitude when I justify why we shouldn't do them with "they're stupid, borning, there isn't anything to learn from them and they make my hand hurt." That excuse gets me right out of them. Riiiiiiiight.
I ended up changing schools that fall, and we went right back to work on losing weight. I didn't continue on the stax system, but I was still seeing results. I lost the 13 plus an additional 12. Then I gained 10 back over the holidays, and we had to work on that. But by the time graduation rolled around, I was down to 234 from my original 275.
I moved back home and managed to keep the weight off for a while, but by the time month 6 rolled around with the holidays I was back to gaining weight. I managed to gain 20 lbs of it back. G blew a gasket when I got up to 255. He put his foot down hard, and the weight loss started again.
It's been very slow going since I am so very stubborn. I am a stress eater. When I get stressed out, I tend to turn to food. It's a crutch that we've been working on getting rid of. I try not to do it so much anymore because it usually results in 2 punishments: a hard session for stress eating and then a second one if I've gained for the week.
This week I weighed in at 248. It's a slow going process, especially with all of the stress that's been going on here lately. But I know I can do this, and I know G's not going to let me gain anymore.
Hope everyone has a marvelous week.
I know no one actually reads this blog anymore as I never take the time to update it. I have always been a procrastinator. So even more stuff has happened since my last posting.
I graduated college.
I moved back in with the folks.
I ran an ice cream truck. Not just one of those modern van ones you see now days either, but an old 1960s Good humor ice cream truck.
I gained back 20 lbs of the 40 that I had lost.
After months and months of job searching, I got a job.
I've lost 7 of it since starting the new job.
I am buying a house.
There's lots of things that I could post on, but I think the one I'll focus on this morning is the weight loss issue. I've struggled with my weight for a long, long time.
When I was dating the boyfriend, mom decided to get us the Stax system for us to use together. She lasted two weeks on hers,but I really put an effort into using mine. The boyfriend and I actually got in the a little spat about it. He claimed that I didn't need to lose any weight. I am 5'7" and at the time weighed 275 lbs.
Well, I worked at it and got down to 250 before I went to work a summer job at a camp, meaning that I had to eat camp food with the kids. I packed on 13 lbs. I was not happy about it. I guess this would be a good time to bring up G who always tries to keep me on track even when I am "kicking and screamnig" that I don't care about losing weight anymore.
G wasn't exactly happy that I was taking the job to begin with, but he was even less than thrilled when I gained 13 lbs from it and all of our hard work went down the drain. So when I got back from camp we went straight back to working on the weight loss. Leaving camp meant no more line writing for me. Line writing is one of those things that G uses when other punishments just aren't available. They bring out my wonderful adult attitude when I justify why we shouldn't do them with "they're stupid, borning, there isn't anything to learn from them and they make my hand hurt." That excuse gets me right out of them. Riiiiiiiight.
I ended up changing schools that fall, and we went right back to work on losing weight. I didn't continue on the stax system, but I was still seeing results. I lost the 13 plus an additional 12. Then I gained 10 back over the holidays, and we had to work on that. But by the time graduation rolled around, I was down to 234 from my original 275.
I moved back home and managed to keep the weight off for a while, but by the time month 6 rolled around with the holidays I was back to gaining weight. I managed to gain 20 lbs of it back. G blew a gasket when I got up to 255. He put his foot down hard, and the weight loss started again.
It's been very slow going since I am so very stubborn. I am a stress eater. When I get stressed out, I tend to turn to food. It's a crutch that we've been working on getting rid of. I try not to do it so much anymore because it usually results in 2 punishments: a hard session for stress eating and then a second one if I've gained for the week.
This week I weighed in at 248. It's a slow going process, especially with all of the stress that's been going on here lately. But I know I can do this, and I know G's not going to let me gain anymore.
Hope everyone has a marvelous week.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Back with some lessons learned
Hello everyone,
Sorry for the very long absence. I just couldn't bring myself to blog for the longest time. Everytime I would think I am going to write something either nothing would come or I'd get distracted.
Today, however, I find myself in an empty auditorium, waiting on a class that I won't start for another hour. Perfect time to study, or better yet, blog.
A lot of things have happened in the year and a half that I've been away.
M and I are no longer in a mentor relationship.
I had my first actual (noninternet) boyfriend.
I went through a phase of I don't need discipline.
I got a new mentor.
I transferred schools.
I quit my job.
My brother was deployed to Iraq and is now home.
My brother is insisting on marrying a girl who he's not in love with.
I've lost thirty-five pounds.
I adopted two dogs.
I had a flea market booth.
And much more.
I plan on eventually writing post about all of these, but one step at a time. Hopefully,*keep your fingers crossed*, I'll have something posted weekly.
Sorry for the very long absence. I just couldn't bring myself to blog for the longest time. Everytime I would think I am going to write something either nothing would come or I'd get distracted.
Today, however, I find myself in an empty auditorium, waiting on a class that I won't start for another hour. Perfect time to study, or better yet, blog.
A lot of things have happened in the year and a half that I've been away.
M and I are no longer in a mentor relationship.
I had my first actual (noninternet) boyfriend.
I went through a phase of I don't need discipline.
I got a new mentor.
I transferred schools.
I quit my job.
My brother was deployed to Iraq and is now home.
My brother is insisting on marrying a girl who he's not in love with.
I've lost thirty-five pounds.
I adopted two dogs.
I had a flea market booth.
And much more.
I plan on eventually writing post about all of these, but one step at a time. Hopefully,*keep your fingers crossed*, I'll have something posted weekly.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
State of me
Sorry,it's been so long since I posted and it will probably be a while after this one, but I wanted to share something with you before I lost it. For those of you who don't know, M and I are in a long distance mentorship,which can and often does make it difficult.
This semester has been extremely bad. It seem like of this crap is happening, and there is nothing I can do about it. To make matters worse, I can't seem to recollect anything,especially when it comes to tests. This has gotten me in trouble quite a bit with M. If you include the maintenance spanking, I've been getting about two spankings a week here lately, and it sucks.
When I am at home or work, it makes it hard for him to be "you're trouble, do you understand me?". Somehow, he still manages it. I just can't say what he would like to hear.
Tonight, I had missed two calls from M while I was on the phone to my mother. I called him back, and he was on the bus. The moment he got home and into his room, he really lit into me with a lecture. Partially my fault because he brought up meds and I couldn't recollect whether or not I had taken a dose yesterday. I checked the prescription bottle to see if we could figure out that way. The bottle only had a month's supply and hadn't been refilled since January. Let me tell you he was pretty livid.
Basically, by the end of the call, I was all hush and yes,sir. He started saying this was good and that it only took a few months to get me in a submissive state. Now I only wish that would get me out of a spanking tonight. Not for meds. For a stupid physics test. Whatever you do do NOT take physics.
Oh, and M is wanting me to get a paddle. I've been working all day on him changing his mind. He told me tonight though that it is nonnegotiable.
Any suggestions?
This semester has been extremely bad. It seem like of this crap is happening, and there is nothing I can do about it. To make matters worse, I can't seem to recollect anything,especially when it comes to tests. This has gotten me in trouble quite a bit with M. If you include the maintenance spanking, I've been getting about two spankings a week here lately, and it sucks.
When I am at home or work, it makes it hard for him to be "you're trouble, do you understand me?". Somehow, he still manages it. I just can't say what he would like to hear.
Tonight, I had missed two calls from M while I was on the phone to my mother. I called him back, and he was on the bus. The moment he got home and into his room, he really lit into me with a lecture. Partially my fault because he brought up meds and I couldn't recollect whether or not I had taken a dose yesterday. I checked the prescription bottle to see if we could figure out that way. The bottle only had a month's supply and hadn't been refilled since January. Let me tell you he was pretty livid.
Basically, by the end of the call, I was all hush and yes,sir. He started saying this was good and that it only took a few months to get me in a submissive state. Now I only wish that would get me out of a spanking tonight. Not for meds. For a stupid physics test. Whatever you do do NOT take physics.
Oh, and M is wanting me to get a paddle. I've been working all day on him changing his mind. He told me tonight though that it is nonnegotiable.
Any suggestions?
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Proposition
For those of you who don't know, I go to school full-time and I am a resident assistant. I don't work as a resident assistant during the summer because it just doesn't pay enough plus the town is basically dead. I did recently apply for a job that would have required me to stay here for the summer. Much to the relief of my family, I didn't get it. It would have been nice because it would have been a big pay increase. However, I am okay with it, and my little brother is estatic because I will be able to go to his gamees.
I haven't started applying for jobs back home because I was waiting to hear whether or not I was getting the job here. I am suppose to go on Monday to get help with my resume from a school councellor.
My mom called me today and said that she wanted to tell me something without me getting mad. Most of the time that phrase means I am going to say something, and it is going to offend you. I am not exactly sure yet whether or not I am offended.
One of the problems that I have with going home in the summer is my father is a nag. He is constantly getting on to everyone about housework and such. One of the phrases that I hate that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis is, "when you have a real job". I have always helped out with the family businesses whatever they may be. I've had a job that I was made for since I was 15. However, he doesn't consider either of those to be real jobs. One of those was a nanny postion. If I had been mowing lawns, I guarentee you he would have considered that to be a real job. Sorry didn't mean to get on a rant.
Well, my mom said that she didn't want me to work over the summer. I love to work. In fact, I'd rather work than go to school. My mother promises that if I take the summer off my dad won't be nagging at me over housework. In a way, it would be nice to take the summer off, but I am not sure that I can handle a whole summer of doing nothingness.
My aunt wants me to work at the Girl Scout Camp for the summer. Personally, I would like to avoid doing anything like what I am doing now. I have a job that can be very stressful. To make matters even better during the stressful times, I live at my job. I see my coworkers everyday whether I am working or not.
I am considering their offer. The only condition was that I had to take my two siblings who can't drive back and forth to church.
I need to boost my resume for if I decide to go to grad or med school. This presents a problem if I choose to take the summer off.
I haven't started applying for jobs back home because I was waiting to hear whether or not I was getting the job here. I am suppose to go on Monday to get help with my resume from a school councellor.
My mom called me today and said that she wanted to tell me something without me getting mad. Most of the time that phrase means I am going to say something, and it is going to offend you. I am not exactly sure yet whether or not I am offended.
One of the problems that I have with going home in the summer is my father is a nag. He is constantly getting on to everyone about housework and such. One of the phrases that I hate that comes out of his mouth on a regular basis is, "when you have a real job". I have always helped out with the family businesses whatever they may be. I've had a job that I was made for since I was 15. However, he doesn't consider either of those to be real jobs. One of those was a nanny postion. If I had been mowing lawns, I guarentee you he would have considered that to be a real job. Sorry didn't mean to get on a rant.
Well, my mom said that she didn't want me to work over the summer. I love to work. In fact, I'd rather work than go to school. My mother promises that if I take the summer off my dad won't be nagging at me over housework. In a way, it would be nice to take the summer off, but I am not sure that I can handle a whole summer of doing nothingness.
My aunt wants me to work at the Girl Scout Camp for the summer. Personally, I would like to avoid doing anything like what I am doing now. I have a job that can be very stressful. To make matters even better during the stressful times, I live at my job. I see my coworkers everyday whether I am working or not.
I am considering their offer. The only condition was that I had to take my two siblings who can't drive back and forth to church.
I need to boost my resume for if I decide to go to grad or med school. This presents a problem if I choose to take the summer off.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Corner Time
I don't know how many of you get corner time, but occasionally M will give it to me. I really don't like it. It can be a good thing for me sometimes. Take Sunday for example. M and I disagree about homework.
I usually get very upset about it, and I decide that I am just giving up. If M knows about it, he is really good about encouraging me to finish it. Well, M has also decided that on Sundays are now going to involve a maintance spanking. He called to see what I was up to and how I was doing. I told him that I was going to finish, and he said to finish. It ended up with me getting a tone that I know better than to take with M, which was really stupid on my part to take because I was already getting a spanking anyhow. So that just earned me time in the corner. 15 long, excuricating minutes to be exact.
It was good,however, to calm me down. I got a spanking directly afterwards, and Mike went to bed soon afterwards. I had been struggling with two problems for over an hour. I got both problems about ten minutes after I went back to working on the homework. If I hadn't have been so frustrated in the first place, I wouldn't have let my temper get the better of me, and I would have been done with my homework a lot sooner.
I usually get very upset about it, and I decide that I am just giving up. If M knows about it, he is really good about encouraging me to finish it. Well, M has also decided that on Sundays are now going to involve a maintance spanking. He called to see what I was up to and how I was doing. I told him that I was going to finish, and he said to finish. It ended up with me getting a tone that I know better than to take with M, which was really stupid on my part to take because I was already getting a spanking anyhow. So that just earned me time in the corner. 15 long, excuricating minutes to be exact.
It was good,however, to calm me down. I got a spanking directly afterwards, and Mike went to bed soon afterwards. I had been struggling with two problems for over an hour. I got both problems about ten minutes after I went back to working on the homework. If I hadn't have been so frustrated in the first place, I wouldn't have let my temper get the better of me, and I would have been done with my homework a lot sooner.
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