I don't know where I am going. I don't know what I am doing. Just a few years ago, I had my life all mapped out. I knew exactly what I wanted. Now I am not so sure. The little deviations from the plan are becoming bigger. There are days when it seems like nothing is going the way it is suppose to.
There are days when I feel so utterly useless. Days when I think maybe I was a mistake. Not a joke. Just merely a mistake. As if though God had meant to put someone else in my place. Usually it just last a day or two and then everything is right as rain. And yet my friends don't understand.
They don't understand that I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being the third wheel when their significant others come to visit. There are days I just want to tell them to shut up when they start talking about them.
I am tired of being the good girl that nobody wants. I'm not changing me just to make me more appealing to someone who can't give me what I need. I can't do that. I think I would hate myself if I did.
I just want to know for once what it's like to be held by someone when you're having a bad day. I don't understand how anyone finds that one person.
So these are the conclusions that I have come to today: Love is intangible web that people willingly crawl into but there are some of us that the web refuses entrance to and I am bound to be alone forever.
I guess I should explain what brought this about. I have been talking with this guy for a few months now. It started as sort of I am bored, let's talk type of deal. Lately, we have been getting more and more friendly. We've even talked about possibly taking it to dating. My friends just poke fun and give me dirty looks when he is mentioned. They don't even know the poor guy. So here I have been putting up with all of this ridicule and being told that I am being obsessive by a few while others say that my concerns are perfectly justified.
This morning he tells me that he is worried about how attached I am getting to him. If this thing ever went anywhere, our difference in religion would be a problem. I am glad he's thought of it because it has been a thought that has crossed my mind, but I don't think that it should put a major damper on things. Isn't that something that you're suppose to work out later? It's not even a huge difference. Just two different denominations of Christianity.
Why do men have to be so confusing?

Needing Space

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been doing other things, and everytime I have gone to update something has come up.
I have been talking to a guy, and there has been talk of maybe taking things from friendship to something more. The "R" word as he called it. This was a few days ago. Now, I am not so sure where we stand.
Thursday morning, he tells me that he sometimes gets too attached to people. Thursday night, he's asking if he's allowed to talk about the "R" word.I went to bed with butterflies in my tummy.
However, Friday morning, I got to thinking about what he had said Thursday morning. Friday afternoon, I asked him if this new talk was simply because he was getting too attached or if he was serious. He claims he was serious. And then, last night we stepped on each other's toes.
While I was talking to him on the phone, I went down to the lobby because a friend called me and said she was lonely and needed to be kept company so she wouldn't fall asleep at work. I figured I could go down there, keep talking to him, and she would just occasionally make her teasing comments. Once I got down there, it was a completely different story. There were tons of people, who hadn't been down there when she called.
Those who couldn't leave the building asked me to go to McDonald's to pick them up some food. So I took food orders and went. Before I even left the parking lot, he told me that he was going to run to the store and that he would call me later. He called me three and a half hours later, after I had already been asleep for over an hour. So he said Goodnight and let me go.
He told me yesterday that his plans for the weekend were to play videogames and watch the Couture vs. Lesnar fight. I am fine with this. We haven't instant messaged each other or talked on the phone today. This unusual for us. If nothing else, we talk for at least five minutes everyday. I am not going to push it. I am not going to call him. I am not going to leave him messages through yahoo. I am just going to let him take a break from me. If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.
I will admit I did something that may have been a little hurtful to his feelings. The other day he got onto me for not studying. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him that after he was done I mentally seperated myself from him. He was just a being that was there until later. Maybe, I shouldn't have said that, but it was true.
I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know what he expects from me. He tells me to be truthful, to just be me, but it seems like I am constantly stepping on his toes whenever I answer one of his questions. Maybe distance and space is the answer. I'll let you know how it goes.