Is it February yet?

The past two weeks have been very busy and hectic for me. The Wednesday before last started out with my mother and I arguing. Then, one of my police friends called me and got onto me for being stupid. My mother refused to speak to me for the rest of the day and then most of Thursday. When we finally did talk on Thursday, we spent a good half an hour agruing and then the rest of conversation went good. I went home on Friday.
Saturday, I got dressed up and went into the mall area, which I hate by the way, but I was going on a date so I can't really complain. We were suppose to meet at ten am. He never showed nor did he answer my phone calls or my texts. I went home and picked up my mother, and we went to the eye doctor.
There, we waited two hours, despite the fact that it was suppose to be a thirty minute wait. Then, on top of that, I found out that the eye doctor was suppose to have checked something that he didn't due to the medications I take. Plus, we were accused of insurance fraud, not once but twice.
Sunday, we go to my grandmother's house to sort through clothes that my aunt's church was trying to get rid of. My grandfather lived with my grandmother, despite the fact that they were divorced because he had to have someone take care of him because he was blind and an amputee that had to go to diaylsis. He didn't remember who I was, and he was confused almost the whole time that we were there. We talked about it and finally decided that it would be best for him to go to a nursing home, despite the way we all feel about them.
We called the VA and took him down there. They admitted him, and we left. Monday, I came back to school and started dealing with people belly aching over the time that we were going to Missouri. The rest of the week went decent.
Thursday, my aunt calls me and tells me that they amputated my grandfather's other leg without telling any of us that they were going to do it. Not much that I can do about it, considering the fact that I am three hours away. Plus the leg had been infected for months, and it wasn't getting any better.
Saturday, I was cleaning my room and got this urge to talk to my mother. I can't even remember now why I wanted to talk to her. My cell phone battery was going dead so I texted her to call me on the dorm phone. I, of course, got impatient and called her anyhow. I think in someways that connection we have in the womb never goess away. Well, at least not with my mother and I. My grandfather had died.
Got to go, but the rest will come later, I am sure.

Abandonment

When I was in elementary school, this guy called me and talked to me everyday for a week. The last day that we talked he started bring up specific events that I had no memory that I had. It was then that I realized he never meant to call me. He had thought that I was the other girl in our class that had the same first name. I immediately asked him if he thought he was talking to her, and when he said yes, I informed him that I wasn't her. He let me go and never called again. I am not even sure how he got my number, but I had the strangest feeling when I got off the phone to him the last day. I felt abandoned and that I had done something wrong. That somehow it was my fault that he didn't want to talk to me.
I tried calling M today and the phone gave me a normal ringtone. I've never had that from his cell the whole time that I've known him. The message at the end said it had either been changed, disconnected, or is no longer in service. I am not sure if he changed his number because he no longer wants to talk to me, which would just be me being paranoid since he hasn't said anything that would give that indication, or if something else has happened. There's no telling.

Meds are inconvient and do nothing other than cause trouble.

Last night, M went into Dom mode, which can really suck depending on when he chooses to go into it. Sometimes, I can tell right away that he's gone into Dom mode. Other times, I am not sure until I say yes and he replies back yes, what? or I say okay and he gets onto me for saying okay. Last night was one of the other times. I hate it when he goes from us discussing something as simple to a videogame to instant Dom mode because I always feel like I screwed up and he's upset with me, which whenever I ask he usually tells me that he wasn't upset unless I am in trouble.
Well, last night he was wanting to know things that I need to work on. I told him that I couldn't really think of anything else, other than what we had already established. I would have been happy to end the coversation there and go onto something else. Something that didn't involve Dom mode. Unfortunately, M wasn't having any of that. He went off topic once, and the moment I got sarcastic, he said that I got distracted way too easily and went right back on track.
I really couldn't think of anything else so finally I just mention meds, not that I was looking for help in this department. He wanted to know why he hadn't heard of me taking meds before now. I told him I didn't know. Now, that I think about it I should have said, you didn't ask and it's not information that I go around volunteering, but I think may have gotten me in trouble for being disrespectful. So maybe it was a good thing I basically didn't say anything.
He wasn't too happy when he found out that I hadn't been taking my meds most days and none in the past few weeks. In fact, it ended up with me in the corner, bare. The corner is always such an awful place to be. First off, it's embrassing. Secondly, someone is upset with you, which is even worse than the embrassment. I don't embrassing if I got to keep my pants on. I guess it could have been worse. I could have got a spanking.
So what did I learn from this experience? Medications suck. They usually taste nasty. They are a bugger to remember to take them, and they do nothing but get you into trouble when people find out that you haven't been taking them. There is one upside to medicines being on the list. Once M thinks it is an established rule, he will quit asking about it, just like he did with bedtime. Bedtime is easier to keep up with and inform M when I didn't follow through because of the clock. Meds, on the other hand, are harder to remember if I actually took them or not that day. So if I forget to take them, unless it becomes a habit, I probably won't remember to tell M.

Pressure. I am feeling uncomfortable.

I am slowly becoming more comfortable with being accountable to someone else, although we are still working on dynamics of it. Sometimes, I don't feel comfortable bringing up certain subjects on the matter with him, but as I said, we are both still working on our comfort zones. I can't really talk to any of my friends about it because if they knew, they would absolutely freak, deman that I get help, and would never hear the end. However, there are a few people online that are starting to push on my boundaries.
They don't know me. They don't know the full story about M and me. At first, it was just a small mention of me finding a mentor. That's fine. I have no problem with anyone making suggestions. But they didn't just stop there. Now, they are saying how I really need to find me a mentor that lives close by and should drive to.
In person, I am very private. Most of my friends have never even seen me wear shorts. M and I didn't meet because I was looking for someone to help me stay on track right now in my life. No, M and I met, and it developed into what we have now over a period of time.
I am starting to feel uncomfortable with people not settling for the fact that I don't want some stranger seeing me bare and then whipping me for my misdeeds. I don't want the people that I work with and go to school with finding out that I occasionally need more than the simple "Don't do that or do this". It doesn't matter if there are worse things. I am not comfortable with others that I have to see everyday knowing.
Anybody else ever have this happen or I am I just being too emotional over this?