Loving one's self

I think women are pulled in so many directions that they forget that they have to love themselves. On top of all the responsibilities that we are given, we are also asked to have so many different personalities. In the work place, we are expected to act one way, and at home, we are asked to behave another. We get so preoccupied with work, family, friends and some cases, school.
I know I could be making a resolution like losing weight or call relatives that I rarely talk to more often. However, I like the way I look. I am not going to struggle and starve myself just so I can have some far-fetched hope of having the body that will make guys want me. I have a wonderful personality, and if some guy can't get over my weight to see that, then I can guarentee that they won't be man enough to handle me.
The relatives have my phone number. They know where to reach me. I am not going to get all upset when I miss calling them. When I do call, they get all upset that I didn't have something important to tell them anyhow.
So instead, I am going to take some time for me. That's right. I am making a resolution that I could truly benefit from. At least once a month, I am going to take a night to just get away from work and enjoy myself. A date with myself so to speak.
The rules are simple.
1. It's just me. No friends.
This is an evening for me. Not the drama of my friends.
2. No accepting calls from anyone I work with.
I am suppose to be relaxing and rediscovering myself. This is not a time for people to try to get me to cover their shifts.
3. Relax and enjoy. Pick some place I would have been wanting to go to but haven't.
No fast food.

Burying the past

I don't handle emotional stuff very well. I hate showing emotions around other people. I am always afraid that my emotion is going to be wrong. One reason why I don't hug.
Hugs are something that are extremely personal to me so I just can't give them out to anyone, and not everyone receives hugs in the exact same manner. Some people hug all of the time while others only hug when they are extremely upset. Don't get me wrong. I'll return a hug when someone else initates it, but don't count on me to give you a hug. I'm the complete opposite of my sister in that manner. She just loves to hug.
This semester hasn't been good. Well, in some ways, it has been terrific. Some really good people have come into my life. Unfortunately, some great people have also left my life. Everyone else that was close to these people have sat and talked it out. I can't bring myself to do that.
What I want is for them to come back. I want them to fix whatever made them leave and for life to continue on as if nothing ever happened. Since that isn't going to happen, I am dealing with it the way that I deal with everyone else leaving my life. Try to forget that they were ever there until I can remember without wanting to cry.
I went to my grandmother's house today to have Christmas with the relatives that live up there, mainly my grandmother, my grandfather, my aunt, uncle and their kids. It's really hard to get along with them at times because they are so judgemental. So normally, I ignore them and don't say very much when they are around.
However, we were sitting there eating, and they were talking of something or another. I can't even remember what they had been talking about, but all of a sudden, my aunt says, "I heard your pastor left his wife." That is most definitely not what happened. She keeps at it, wanting to know what happened until I said, "I'd rather not discuss it."
It's still a rather sore topic still. When D and M left with the babies, I didn't know how to respond. I still don't. They had become family to me. They were people I could see myself staying in touch with for the rest of my life. Now I am not even sure if I should message them.

I don't know where I am going. I don't know what I am doing. Just a few years ago, I had my life all mapped out. I knew exactly what I wanted. Now I am not so sure. The little deviations from the plan are becoming bigger. There are days when it seems like nothing is going the way it is suppose to.
There are days when I feel so utterly useless. Days when I think maybe I was a mistake. Not a joke. Just merely a mistake. As if though God had meant to put someone else in my place. Usually it just last a day or two and then everything is right as rain. And yet my friends don't understand.
They don't understand that I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being the third wheel when their significant others come to visit. There are days I just want to tell them to shut up when they start talking about them.
I am tired of being the good girl that nobody wants. I'm not changing me just to make me more appealing to someone who can't give me what I need. I can't do that. I think I would hate myself if I did.
I just want to know for once what it's like to be held by someone when you're having a bad day. I don't understand how anyone finds that one person.
So these are the conclusions that I have come to today: Love is intangible web that people willingly crawl into but there are some of us that the web refuses entrance to and I am bound to be alone forever.
I guess I should explain what brought this about. I have been talking with this guy for a few months now. It started as sort of I am bored, let's talk type of deal. Lately, we have been getting more and more friendly. We've even talked about possibly taking it to dating. My friends just poke fun and give me dirty looks when he is mentioned. They don't even know the poor guy. So here I have been putting up with all of this ridicule and being told that I am being obsessive by a few while others say that my concerns are perfectly justified.
This morning he tells me that he is worried about how attached I am getting to him. If this thing ever went anywhere, our difference in religion would be a problem. I am glad he's thought of it because it has been a thought that has crossed my mind, but I don't think that it should put a major damper on things. Isn't that something that you're suppose to work out later? It's not even a huge difference. Just two different denominations of Christianity.
Why do men have to be so confusing?

Let Me Call You Back

It may sound extremely childish on my part, but one of my pet-peeves happens to be when someone tells me that they will call me back and never does. Sometimes, I get the feeling that the person doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I know it shows insecurity and childishness, but some of these people have slowly started to withdraw themselves from me. What else am I suppose to think?
With others, I worry if they are okay. My mother has severe health problems. She will call me, and then she will suddenly get sick. When she doesn't call me back, I worry that they have had to hospitalize her again or something worse. Luckily, she usually just either went to bed or got distracted. It still makes me worry.
So I guess what I am trying to say is if you tell someone that you will call them back, call them back.