I think women are pulled in so many directions that they forget that they have to love themselves. On top of all the responsibilities that we are given, we are also asked to have so many different personalities. In the work place, we are expected to act one way, and at home, we are asked to behave another. We get so preoccupied with work, family, friends and some cases, school.
I know I could be making a resolution like losing weight or call relatives that I rarely talk to more often. However, I like the way I look. I am not going to struggle and starve myself just so I can have some far-fetched hope of having the body that will make guys want me. I have a wonderful personality, and if some guy can't get over my weight to see that, then I can guarentee that they won't be man enough to handle me.
The relatives have my phone number. They know where to reach me. I am not going to get all upset when I miss calling them. When I do call, they get all upset that I didn't have something important to tell them anyhow.
So instead, I am going to take some time for me. That's right. I am making a resolution that I could truly benefit from. At least once a month, I am going to take a night to just get away from work and enjoy myself. A date with myself so to speak.
The rules are simple.
1. It's just me. No friends.
This is an evening for me. Not the drama of my friends.
2. No accepting calls from anyone I work with.
I am suppose to be relaxing and rediscovering myself. This is not a time for people to try to get me to cover their shifts.
3. Relax and enjoy. Pick some place I would have been wanting to go to but haven't.
No fast food.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Burying the past
I don't handle emotional stuff very well. I hate showing emotions around other people. I am always afraid that my emotion is going to be wrong. One reason why I don't hug.
Hugs are something that are extremely personal to me so I just can't give them out to anyone, and not everyone receives hugs in the exact same manner. Some people hug all of the time while others only hug when they are extremely upset. Don't get me wrong. I'll return a hug when someone else initates it, but don't count on me to give you a hug. I'm the complete opposite of my sister in that manner. She just loves to hug.
This semester hasn't been good. Well, in some ways, it has been terrific. Some really good people have come into my life. Unfortunately, some great people have also left my life. Everyone else that was close to these people have sat and talked it out. I can't bring myself to do that.
What I want is for them to come back. I want them to fix whatever made them leave and for life to continue on as if nothing ever happened. Since that isn't going to happen, I am dealing with it the way that I deal with everyone else leaving my life. Try to forget that they were ever there until I can remember without wanting to cry.
I went to my grandmother's house today to have Christmas with the relatives that live up there, mainly my grandmother, my grandfather, my aunt, uncle and their kids. It's really hard to get along with them at times because they are so judgemental. So normally, I ignore them and don't say very much when they are around.
However, we were sitting there eating, and they were talking of something or another. I can't even remember what they had been talking about, but all of a sudden, my aunt says, "I heard your pastor left his wife." That is most definitely not what happened. She keeps at it, wanting to know what happened until I said, "I'd rather not discuss it."
It's still a rather sore topic still. When D and M left with the babies, I didn't know how to respond. I still don't. They had become family to me. They were people I could see myself staying in touch with for the rest of my life. Now I am not even sure if I should message them.
Hugs are something that are extremely personal to me so I just can't give them out to anyone, and not everyone receives hugs in the exact same manner. Some people hug all of the time while others only hug when they are extremely upset. Don't get me wrong. I'll return a hug when someone else initates it, but don't count on me to give you a hug. I'm the complete opposite of my sister in that manner. She just loves to hug.
This semester hasn't been good. Well, in some ways, it has been terrific. Some really good people have come into my life. Unfortunately, some great people have also left my life. Everyone else that was close to these people have sat and talked it out. I can't bring myself to do that.
What I want is for them to come back. I want them to fix whatever made them leave and for life to continue on as if nothing ever happened. Since that isn't going to happen, I am dealing with it the way that I deal with everyone else leaving my life. Try to forget that they were ever there until I can remember without wanting to cry.
I went to my grandmother's house today to have Christmas with the relatives that live up there, mainly my grandmother, my grandfather, my aunt, uncle and their kids. It's really hard to get along with them at times because they are so judgemental. So normally, I ignore them and don't say very much when they are around.
However, we were sitting there eating, and they were talking of something or another. I can't even remember what they had been talking about, but all of a sudden, my aunt says, "I heard your pastor left his wife." That is most definitely not what happened. She keeps at it, wanting to know what happened until I said, "I'd rather not discuss it."
It's still a rather sore topic still. When D and M left with the babies, I didn't know how to respond. I still don't. They had become family to me. They were people I could see myself staying in touch with for the rest of my life. Now I am not even sure if I should message them.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
I don't know where I am going. I don't know what I am doing. Just a few years ago, I had my life all mapped out. I knew exactly what I wanted. Now I am not so sure. The little deviations from the plan are becoming bigger. There are days when it seems like nothing is going the way it is suppose to.
There are days when I feel so utterly useless. Days when I think maybe I was a mistake. Not a joke. Just merely a mistake. As if though God had meant to put someone else in my place. Usually it just last a day or two and then everything is right as rain. And yet my friends don't understand.
They don't understand that I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being the third wheel when their significant others come to visit. There are days I just want to tell them to shut up when they start talking about them.
I am tired of being the good girl that nobody wants. I'm not changing me just to make me more appealing to someone who can't give me what I need. I can't do that. I think I would hate myself if I did.
I just want to know for once what it's like to be held by someone when you're having a bad day. I don't understand how anyone finds that one person.
So these are the conclusions that I have come to today: Love is intangible web that people willingly crawl into but there are some of us that the web refuses entrance to and I am bound to be alone forever.
I guess I should explain what brought this about. I have been talking with this guy for a few months now. It started as sort of I am bored, let's talk type of deal. Lately, we have been getting more and more friendly. We've even talked about possibly taking it to dating. My friends just poke fun and give me dirty looks when he is mentioned. They don't even know the poor guy. So here I have been putting up with all of this ridicule and being told that I am being obsessive by a few while others say that my concerns are perfectly justified.
This morning he tells me that he is worried about how attached I am getting to him. If this thing ever went anywhere, our difference in religion would be a problem. I am glad he's thought of it because it has been a thought that has crossed my mind, but I don't think that it should put a major damper on things. Isn't that something that you're suppose to work out later? It's not even a huge difference. Just two different denominations of Christianity.
Why do men have to be so confusing?
There are days when I feel so utterly useless. Days when I think maybe I was a mistake. Not a joke. Just merely a mistake. As if though God had meant to put someone else in my place. Usually it just last a day or two and then everything is right as rain. And yet my friends don't understand.
They don't understand that I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being the third wheel when their significant others come to visit. There are days I just want to tell them to shut up when they start talking about them.
I am tired of being the good girl that nobody wants. I'm not changing me just to make me more appealing to someone who can't give me what I need. I can't do that. I think I would hate myself if I did.
I just want to know for once what it's like to be held by someone when you're having a bad day. I don't understand how anyone finds that one person.
So these are the conclusions that I have come to today: Love is intangible web that people willingly crawl into but there are some of us that the web refuses entrance to and I am bound to be alone forever.
I guess I should explain what brought this about. I have been talking with this guy for a few months now. It started as sort of I am bored, let's talk type of deal. Lately, we have been getting more and more friendly. We've even talked about possibly taking it to dating. My friends just poke fun and give me dirty looks when he is mentioned. They don't even know the poor guy. So here I have been putting up with all of this ridicule and being told that I am being obsessive by a few while others say that my concerns are perfectly justified.
This morning he tells me that he is worried about how attached I am getting to him. If this thing ever went anywhere, our difference in religion would be a problem. I am glad he's thought of it because it has been a thought that has crossed my mind, but I don't think that it should put a major damper on things. Isn't that something that you're suppose to work out later? It's not even a huge difference. Just two different denominations of Christianity.
Why do men have to be so confusing?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Let Me Call You Back
It may sound extremely childish on my part, but one of my pet-peeves happens to be when someone tells me that they will call me back and never does. Sometimes, I get the feeling that the person doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I know it shows insecurity and childishness, but some of these people have slowly started to withdraw themselves from me. What else am I suppose to think?
With others, I worry if they are okay. My mother has severe health problems. She will call me, and then she will suddenly get sick. When she doesn't call me back, I worry that they have had to hospitalize her again or something worse. Luckily, she usually just either went to bed or got distracted. It still makes me worry.
So I guess what I am trying to say is if you tell someone that you will call them back, call them back.
With others, I worry if they are okay. My mother has severe health problems. She will call me, and then she will suddenly get sick. When she doesn't call me back, I worry that they have had to hospitalize her again or something worse. Luckily, she usually just either went to bed or got distracted. It still makes me worry.
So I guess what I am trying to say is if you tell someone that you will call them back, call them back.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
In trouble again
So I've been given a bedtime. Midnight Sunday-Thursday and 2 am on Friday-Saturday. If something comes up, I can call and get permission to stay up later. Otherwise, I am expected to be in bed with the laptop off on time. It's the first time I've ever had a bedtime. I didn't even have one when I was a kid so there are some days that I just absolutely resent it.
Well, for the past week or so, I just haven't felt like going to bed when I was suppose to. Yesterday morning, I asked if we could just skip bedtime. He wanted to know why and wasn't happy with 'I just don't want to'. I proceeded to tell him that I wasn't happy with bedtime this week, and I was tired of doing it. I've been really iritable about the whole thing and tempted to stay up past it every night just because there was a rule there to break. It was rather bratty of me considering the fact that I have had two days this week where I didn't have bedtime and then a following day with an extension because I had to come back to school and I had a paper that was due the next morning.
We talked later on the phone, and he let me know that he wasn't happy about me thinking about staying up past bedtime, even though I knew it would get me in trouble. He said that he felt like I was disrepecting his authority. I hadn't meant for it to come across that way.
He's decided the best way to handle it would be some time in the corner. I've only been in the corner once, but I hate it. It is so embarrassiing, not to mention childish. I was so surprised when he told me that I couldn't say anything. I couldn't really argue with over it at the time anyhow because I was walking with my sister. She would be confused and would most likely tell my parents that she heard me arguing over going in the corner.
I finally got some alone time and was able to talk to him about it. I am still in trouble over being resentful and disrepectful. We can't do anything about it while my sister is here and I am at home. So when I get back on Sunday from home, we're going to deal with it then before I go to bed.
Although I am not happy about being punished, I did feel rather loved and cared for when we were done talking. By bedtime, I had no problem with doing as I had been told.
Well, for the past week or so, I just haven't felt like going to bed when I was suppose to. Yesterday morning, I asked if we could just skip bedtime. He wanted to know why and wasn't happy with 'I just don't want to'. I proceeded to tell him that I wasn't happy with bedtime this week, and I was tired of doing it. I've been really iritable about the whole thing and tempted to stay up past it every night just because there was a rule there to break. It was rather bratty of me considering the fact that I have had two days this week where I didn't have bedtime and then a following day with an extension because I had to come back to school and I had a paper that was due the next morning.
We talked later on the phone, and he let me know that he wasn't happy about me thinking about staying up past bedtime, even though I knew it would get me in trouble. He said that he felt like I was disrepecting his authority. I hadn't meant for it to come across that way.
He's decided the best way to handle it would be some time in the corner. I've only been in the corner once, but I hate it. It is so embarrassiing, not to mention childish. I was so surprised when he told me that I couldn't say anything. I couldn't really argue with over it at the time anyhow because I was walking with my sister. She would be confused and would most likely tell my parents that she heard me arguing over going in the corner.
I finally got some alone time and was able to talk to him about it. I am still in trouble over being resentful and disrepectful. We can't do anything about it while my sister is here and I am at home. So when I get back on Sunday from home, we're going to deal with it then before I go to bed.
Although I am not happy about being punished, I did feel rather loved and cared for when we were done talking. By bedtime, I had no problem with doing as I had been told.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Needing Space
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been doing other things, and everytime I have gone to update something has come up.
I have been talking to a guy, and there has been talk of maybe taking things from friendship to something more. The "R" word as he called it. This was a few days ago. Now, I am not so sure where we stand.
Thursday morning, he tells me that he sometimes gets too attached to people. Thursday night, he's asking if he's allowed to talk about the "R" word.I went to bed with butterflies in my tummy.
However, Friday morning, I got to thinking about what he had said Thursday morning. Friday afternoon, I asked him if this new talk was simply because he was getting too attached or if he was serious. He claims he was serious. And then, last night we stepped on each other's toes.
While I was talking to him on the phone, I went down to the lobby because a friend called me and said she was lonely and needed to be kept company so she wouldn't fall asleep at work. I figured I could go down there, keep talking to him, and she would just occasionally make her teasing comments. Once I got down there, it was a completely different story. There were tons of people, who hadn't been down there when she called.
Those who couldn't leave the building asked me to go to McDonald's to pick them up some food. So I took food orders and went. Before I even left the parking lot, he told me that he was going to run to the store and that he would call me later. He called me three and a half hours later, after I had already been asleep for over an hour. So he said Goodnight and let me go.
He told me yesterday that his plans for the weekend were to play videogames and watch the Couture vs. Lesnar fight. I am fine with this. We haven't instant messaged each other or talked on the phone today. This unusual for us. If nothing else, we talk for at least five minutes everyday. I am not going to push it. I am not going to call him. I am not going to leave him messages through yahoo. I am just going to let him take a break from me. If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.
I will admit I did something that may have been a little hurtful to his feelings. The other day he got onto me for not studying. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him that after he was done I mentally seperated myself from him. He was just a being that was there until later. Maybe, I shouldn't have said that, but it was true.
I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know what he expects from me. He tells me to be truthful, to just be me, but it seems like I am constantly stepping on his toes whenever I answer one of his questions. Maybe distance and space is the answer. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have been talking to a guy, and there has been talk of maybe taking things from friendship to something more. The "R" word as he called it. This was a few days ago. Now, I am not so sure where we stand.
Thursday morning, he tells me that he sometimes gets too attached to people. Thursday night, he's asking if he's allowed to talk about the "R" word.I went to bed with butterflies in my tummy.
However, Friday morning, I got to thinking about what he had said Thursday morning. Friday afternoon, I asked him if this new talk was simply because he was getting too attached or if he was serious. He claims he was serious. And then, last night we stepped on each other's toes.
While I was talking to him on the phone, I went down to the lobby because a friend called me and said she was lonely and needed to be kept company so she wouldn't fall asleep at work. I figured I could go down there, keep talking to him, and she would just occasionally make her teasing comments. Once I got down there, it was a completely different story. There were tons of people, who hadn't been down there when she called.
Those who couldn't leave the building asked me to go to McDonald's to pick them up some food. So I took food orders and went. Before I even left the parking lot, he told me that he was going to run to the store and that he would call me later. He called me three and a half hours later, after I had already been asleep for over an hour. So he said Goodnight and let me go.
He told me yesterday that his plans for the weekend were to play videogames and watch the Couture vs. Lesnar fight. I am fine with this. We haven't instant messaged each other or talked on the phone today. This unusual for us. If nothing else, we talk for at least five minutes everyday. I am not going to push it. I am not going to call him. I am not going to leave him messages through yahoo. I am just going to let him take a break from me. If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me.
I will admit I did something that may have been a little hurtful to his feelings. The other day he got onto me for not studying. He asked me how I felt about it. I told him that after he was done I mentally seperated myself from him. He was just a being that was there until later. Maybe, I shouldn't have said that, but it was true.
I don't know what he wants from me. I don't know what he expects from me. He tells me to be truthful, to just be me, but it seems like I am constantly stepping on his toes whenever I answer one of his questions. Maybe distance and space is the answer. I'll let you know how it goes.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
About me
I realize that most people start their blogs off with a section about themself. I am not very good at just going on and on about my self so I am going to break this up into Q&A type thing.
Education and Job
I am 21 and a pre-med student. I am currently working on a bachaelor's in Biology. My goal is to be in med school within the next two years.
My current job is a resident assistant in the residence halls.
My God-given calling is to do missionary work, providing medical care.
Do you want children?
Yes. My friends think I am nuts for wanting at least 13. I, personally, think it is a great goal. There's partically no sport that I wouldn't have a full team for. I could live anywhere because they would have each other to play with if there aren't any other children in the neighbor. If God decided to bless me with more, I wouldn't have a problem with that either.
Things I dislike
Jello that is no longer liquidified
The straw the dentist uses to suck the stuff out of your mouth
Things I am absolutely in love with
My family
Reading
Learning
Writing
Favorite Childhood Memories
When I was little, every Saturday night, all of the kids and my parents would climb into my parents' bed and we would watch several hours of tv together. Commericals were a time to talk and figure out what would happen next. Then, they cancelled the Pretender and the Profiler.
What I want in a husband
I want someone who is going to love me just as much, if not more than, the day we were married we have been married 50 years.
I want someone who is going to call me on their breaks and driving home from work, not because they have something important to tell me, but because they simply miss me and the sound of my voice.
I want someone who isn't afraid to admit when I am right and who is willing to let me know when I am wrong.
Read the book The Bride. I wouldn't mind having Alec Kincaid.
I need someone who is wiling to love me as I am, faults and all that other jazz. I need someone who loves me enough to protect me and care for me, even when I am being stubborn and claiming I don't need anyone or anything.
I guess that is it for now.
Education and Job
I am 21 and a pre-med student. I am currently working on a bachaelor's in Biology. My goal is to be in med school within the next two years.
My current job is a resident assistant in the residence halls.
My God-given calling is to do missionary work, providing medical care.
Do you want children?
Yes. My friends think I am nuts for wanting at least 13. I, personally, think it is a great goal. There's partically no sport that I wouldn't have a full team for. I could live anywhere because they would have each other to play with if there aren't any other children in the neighbor. If God decided to bless me with more, I wouldn't have a problem with that either.
Things I dislike
Jello that is no longer liquidified
The straw the dentist uses to suck the stuff out of your mouth
Things I am absolutely in love with
My family
Reading
Learning
Writing
Favorite Childhood Memories
When I was little, every Saturday night, all of the kids and my parents would climb into my parents' bed and we would watch several hours of tv together. Commericals were a time to talk and figure out what would happen next. Then, they cancelled the Pretender and the Profiler.
What I want in a husband
I want someone who is going to love me just as much, if not more than, the day we were married we have been married 50 years.
I want someone who is going to call me on their breaks and driving home from work, not because they have something important to tell me, but because they simply miss me and the sound of my voice.
I want someone who isn't afraid to admit when I am right and who is willing to let me know when I am wrong.
Read the book The Bride. I wouldn't mind having Alec Kincaid.
I need someone who is wiling to love me as I am, faults and all that other jazz. I need someone who loves me enough to protect me and care for me, even when I am being stubborn and claiming I don't need anyone or anything.
I guess that is it for now.
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