I don't know where I am going. I don't know what I am doing. Just a few years ago, I had my life all mapped out. I knew exactly what I wanted. Now I am not so sure. The little deviations from the plan are becoming bigger. There are days when it seems like nothing is going the way it is suppose to.
There are days when I feel so utterly useless. Days when I think maybe I was a mistake. Not a joke. Just merely a mistake. As if though God had meant to put someone else in my place. Usually it just last a day or two and then everything is right as rain. And yet my friends don't understand.
They don't understand that I am tired of being alone. I am tired of being the third wheel when their significant others come to visit. There are days I just want to tell them to shut up when they start talking about them.
I am tired of being the good girl that nobody wants. I'm not changing me just to make me more appealing to someone who can't give me what I need. I can't do that. I think I would hate myself if I did.
I just want to know for once what it's like to be held by someone when you're having a bad day. I don't understand how anyone finds that one person.
So these are the conclusions that I have come to today: Love is intangible web that people willingly crawl into but there are some of us that the web refuses entrance to and I am bound to be alone forever.
I guess I should explain what brought this about. I have been talking with this guy for a few months now. It started as sort of I am bored, let's talk type of deal. Lately, we have been getting more and more friendly. We've even talked about possibly taking it to dating. My friends just poke fun and give me dirty looks when he is mentioned. They don't even know the poor guy. So here I have been putting up with all of this ridicule and being told that I am being obsessive by a few while others say that my concerns are perfectly justified.
This morning he tells me that he is worried about how attached I am getting to him. If this thing ever went anywhere, our difference in religion would be a problem. I am glad he's thought of it because it has been a thought that has crossed my mind, but I don't think that it should put a major damper on things. Isn't that something that you're suppose to work out later? It's not even a huge difference. Just two different denominations of Christianity.
Why do men have to be so confusing?